Saturday, March 7, 2009

Stress level midnight.

I had thought that writing about things I'm not supposed to be thinking about might make me *poof!* not think about them anymore. I thought that maybe by listing the fact that they existed, I wouldn't have to explore them anymore and my brain might file them under "the matter is closed" and shut the filing cabinet door with a satisfying click. But instead it made me feel even more anxious and obsessive and unable to sleep last night because I was obsessing and also coming up with new things to worry about.

This morning I have been foggily unproductive. I thought I was spending my time relaxing and lounging in bed but now I realize I was revisiting my unhealthy thoughts and allowing myself to reach that crucial point of morning hunger leading to crankiness. So now I'm up. Hurg.

So. Moving on. Maybe I should take a moment to metaphorically reward myself for some good efforts? Look at me trying to focus on the positive! Zippity effing doo dah.

I may have mentioned that I have five (FIVE!) papers due next week. Four in one class, one in the other. One of them requires a significant amount of research to be done at the hospital during clincials, so I worked on that quite a bit while I was there this week.

And yesterday, when I got home from an exhausting day/week of clinicals I thought it would feel nice to take a nap. Actually, I KNEW it would feel nice to take a nap since that's what I did when I got home from clinical on Thursday. However, I also knew that I would feel all nap-hungover and guilty afterward. So instead I made myself a late lunch and worked on papers. I was kind to myself-- offering myself an early dinner only a few hours after the late lunch and peppering my homework efforts with reading blogs I like and watching episodes of Will & Grace. And I finished TWO of the papers.

And then I even managed to get myself to one of the meetings we were supposed to attend for our Psych rotaion. I chose Overeaters Anonymous, not because of the aforementioned lunch/dinner proximity but because I thought it would be really interesting. But I had kind of been hoping to melt into the background and people kept coming up to me with their warm handshakes and their "good things happen here"s so I felt like a phony, like maybe I should do something to give their niceness back because it wasn't really meant for me. But when I explained why I was there "My name is Jewels, and I'm a nursing student and we're, um, supposed to, uh, [trails off] [smiles awkwardly]...." they were still very welcoming and appeared to be happy about the idea of healthcare professionals taking an interest. So it was good that I went-- I got to check something off my list and it was interesting. Except when I heard about people thinking about food when they're already eating or planning their day around the treat they wanted to eat later or eating after (gasp!) they're already full, I kind of went uh yeah... is that bad??


Okay, so my computer just got stuck on italics for like 5 minutes and I nearly hurled off the table so maybe now would be a good time to take a leisurely shower, eat something, get out of the house and/or continue with my positive thinking. Maybe OH MY fucking dammit. Are you kidding me?? I JUST FIXED YOU. WHY ARE YOU IN ITALICS AGAIN. *crick* *squeak* *Jewels's head coming unhinged.*