Friday, December 4, 2009


[Update: This post was written in December 2009, when my blog was called Royal Jewels and the web site was]

So. Last night was rather enlightening. I went to the Blogher Christmas party in San Francisco. I always start off holiday parties feeling somewhat anxious. Will I have enough interesting things to talk about? Will I ask intelligent questions? Will I be standing in the corner trying not to look too awkward as I stare at people with my mouth open?

But Jenny was there and she introduced me to nice people and we talked about phones and business cards and carpal tunnel wrist braces as bloghers are wont to do. We drank margaritas and ate yummy free food and I was just starting to think to myself, Hm. Maybe I do belong here after all.

And then we were saying goodbye to Vanessa, and she asked what my blog was called. I said, "It's Royal Jewels. Like, you know, the things on a crown." I put an imaginary crown on my head as I said this.
Next to Vanessa, Jenny started laughing and said, "Not like BALLS?"
I stared at her a moment. "No." I said, offended. "NOT like balls. What the hell are you talking about?"
"Isn't it? That's just always what *I* think of when I hear the term Royal Jewels...." She shrugged.
I was horrified, "What? What? THAT'S what you think of when you hear my name?!"
"You know, like" here she paused, mimed fondling a nutsack, "Royal Jewels."
"No! No! Oh my god." I put my head in my hands. "Oh my god. Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod. That's not what it's supposed to be at all!"
Jenny scrunched up her eyebrows, confused, "Seriously?"

Yes. Seriously.

Yes. I am the 27-year-old who did not know that Royal Jewels is apparently a common euphemism for balls.


When I first started this here blog, I called it "Superjules" but then "superjules dot blogspot dot com" was taken so, after A LOT of brain-wracking, I picked "theroyalpain dot blogspot dot com" instead. And for awhile that was fine. But then I kept thinking about how my blog name and url didn't really match. Was there a way to put the two together? Could I come up with a name that combined the concepts I wanted to get across? Something that alluded to the idea being royalty (which I liked) with the name Jules (me). And then it hit me: Royal Jewels. Because it's ME- Jewels. And it's ROYAL. And, AND it refers to the gemstones worn by kings and queens. YES!

And for over a year I have been writing as Royal Jewels.


Jenny was shocked at my reaction. "I thought it was a joke. I mean, I thought it was kind of a weird joke, but I assumed you knew."
I was still in disbelief, "But it's not... It doesn't mean THAT. You're thinking of Family Jewels." Family Jewels was what I thought she meant because, you know, balls are where spermies come from and those make babies which make families. Family Jewels.
"No," said Jenny, "They mean the same thing."


I almost didn't want to write about this. Because how many people knew this while I sat here like a goddamn moron in the dark? And now I'm coming out and saying No no, internet world, I'm not quirky and confident with an odd sense of humor like you might have thought, but instead I am profoundly naive. Because the possibility that Royal Jewels meant anything at all other than the 'precious stones one might find on a crown' was something that never crossed my mind. Not once. There I was, the oblivious little old lady showing off a new bracelet while the rest of the family whispers grandma's wearing anal beads on her arm to one another.


My blog name. Means. Balls. Excuse me while I go curl up under a rock and die.