Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Thanksgiving Potpourri

We had two, count 'em, TWO turkey dinners last week. Like, with a whole new turkey and everything for the second go-round. I am very, very full.


I slept in the pool house at my parents' place, because all the bedrooms were taken. The downside was that it tends to get rather cold out there, since it's not actually attached to the main house. The upside is that it is quieter and I could sleep in past 6 am, when all the kids got up. The space heater out there is possibly Bowie's favorite thing, ever.


The whole family was home and it was lovely. [Insert here something vague about how spending time with my extended family tends to be stressful.] I'll refrain from remarking on the presence of my aunt and uncle, but suffice it to say that after Thanksgiving dinner I had to go midnight Black Friday shopping with my sister in order to UNCLENCH.


For the purposes of this next story, let's give my nieces some names so they don't have to go by their ages. I'll call one 10 year old niece Princess, because she put on the best puppet show in the history of the universe. I'll call the other 10 year old niece Lucky, because she just got a new pony. I'll call my 12 year old niece Sassy, because she's at that sassy age and also that's the name she gave her video game horse. The 10 year olds aren't twins, by the by, they're cousins. Are we all following along?
Okay, so. I was in the car with a couple of my nieces, driving them somewhere. They wanted to listen to different music, and I had to explain that almost everything in my car was stolen, so I only had the one CD. The asked lots of questions about the robbery and I answered them. Then, the conversation took a different turn....

Sassy: Where was your car when it got broken into?

Me: Oh, um. It was by KC's house. I was, uh, dropping off some stuff for him. When we were still together... [sarcastic jazz hands].

Sassy: Don't worry. Lucky never liked him anyhow.

Me, laughing: What?!

Princess, piping up from the back seat: Yeah she was the only one at the time, but now we all don't.

Sassy: He was nice to us, but I remember Lucky was always like "I GUESS he's okay."

Me, laughing: Wow.

Princess: He gave me the creeps once, too.

Me: Well. I guess that means I'll have to bring any new dude around you guys so you can tell me what you think before I get too attached to him.


You read that right, my 10 year old niece, whom I shall now refer to as Lucky, just got a new pony. A PONY!!! A whole crew of us went out to the barn on Wednesday to check her out and watch Lucky ride her. The barn people were all super nice and brought out four old, fuzzy, Western horses for the rest of the kids to take turns riding around the arena, while the rest of us gazed at Sugar.
If my sister thought she was bringing me along for a fair, level-headed second opinion, she was mistaken. I took one look at the pony and started whining that I wanted one, too.
The vet gave his opinion, the barn people, gave their opinions, my sister hemmed and hawed, and I said helpful things like "She's so pretty!" and "I love her!" and "BUY HER!!!"

There was also a RIDICULOUS pony at the barn. He was like a Corgi-- regular sized body, fat belly, and teeny stubby legs.
For reference, here is a nearly regular-proportioned horse.

And here is the Corgi pony.

As part of an elaborate scheme to keep the children out of the house so the adults could have thirty seconds of peace and quiet, my parents built a tree house in the back yard. IT IS THE COOLEST THING EVER. The list of reasons to be jealous of my nieces and nephews is getting progressively longer.


My sister did my hair in a side braid for Thanksgiving dinner. I have since incorporated it into my limited rotation of hairdos. It makes me feel prepared to represent my district.
Or something.


We took the whole crew of kids to see The Muppets on Thanksgiving day. I took them all into Rite Aid beforehand to buy sodies and candy. I tried to crack the whip a little and say, hey, no you guys can't ALL get king sized candies. But that quickly fell to pieces as the line grew longer and we had to make our selections and leave because Grandpa was trying to save 11 other seats by himself. So I bought them whatever they wanted, which turned out to be pretty great. My littlest nieces both chose giant king sized candies, but Princess picked Mentos, Lucky wanted ChapStick, and my tiny nephew chose Tic Tacs.

I've had "Life's a Happy Song" stuck in my head on and off since Thursday. It makes me smile. Because it's true: I've got everything that I need. Right in front of me.

Monday, November 28, 2011

New Header

Have you noticed my new header? Up yonder, there at the top!
The lovely and talented Miss Jenny made it for me, on a an apparent procrastinatey whim.

Just in case this particular header hasn't convinced you to hire her for all your photoshopping needs, here are some other things she's made for me in the past couple of years:

There's this one, from the time of all the Crazy Ex cell phone shenanigans (when he was calling Verizon and using my SSN to get my phone turned off and trying to set up passwords so I couldn't access my own account).
For awhile I had two phones.
My old header.

And this, because my elbows and I are awesome beyond compare.
Don't touch my scepter. I'm the queen.

And, last but not least, this one.
It was actually the first one she made me. My favorite.

Are you convinced now? I pay her in gossip, but I'm pretty sure she'd also accept paypal, bacon, or anything from Anthropolgie.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Fairy Tale

My 10 year old niece put on a puppet show this morning.

Niece: [Long winded but properly arced story involving a prince and a princess. The cliffs notes version is that the princess is trapped in a tower and the prince must fight a three-headed dragon in order to rescue her. He rescues her, they fall in love, and get married.]

My mom and me: Yay! [clapping]

Niece: Wait wait, it's not over!

My mom and me: Oh.

Niece: So then the prince and the princess lived in a beautiful castle and the prince went to work every day.

My mom: Well that's good.

Niece: And the princess stayed in the castle. And then one day she had a baby. See? Here it is [holds up tiny doll]. A child of her very own to love.

My mom and me: Awww.

Niece: But then the prince said that he did not like the baby. He didn't like seeing the princess with a baby and he didn't like all the noise the baby made.

Me: Huh.

Niece: So the princess took the baby and moved into her own house. She started working and took care of the baby, too. And she lived happily ever after.

My mom and me: YAY!!! [clapping]

The End.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Men of the world! I realize that navigating the world of dating can be tricky. There are certain things that I had formerly thought were obvious, but it appears that they are not. So here I am, clarifying a few things, in case you happen to find yourself interested in dating me.

1. If you are enjoying the pleasure of my company, then, by all means, let me know. If you are no longer enjoying my company then, similarly, do let me know. Because that whole 'be mean to her until she doesn't want to see me again' thing you guys do? Sucks. And it doesn't work on me. I WILL NOT take your hints. I tend to take people at their word-- if you TELL me something, I will go by this, even if you are acting the opposite way.

2. If you are divorced, in a relationship, or married, please make this clear upon meeting me. Even if you are separated I would rather know up front.

3. If you have a child or children, please make this clear upon meeting me. If there is a lady out there who is currently pregnant with your child, THAT COUNTS.

4. Please don't proposition me for sex, out of the blue, via text message. And especially don't PERSIST after I say no. That's just creepy. You can't talk me into wanting to sleep with you. I either want to, or I don't.

5. Don't lie. DON'T LIE, MOTHERFUCKER. Don't tell me lies. Don't lie through omission. Don't say what I want to hear because you think the truth will upset me. Just. Don't. Lie.

6. Please don't play games. I dislike games and I'm no good at them. If you say you're going to call me, call me. If you say you like me, don't act weird and aloof. Just be straightforward with me and I'll do the same for you.

Was that helpful? I do hope so. Please keep in mind these handy tips when wooing the lady of your choice, and particularly when considering dating me. Thank you for your kind attention.



Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Everything's basically super awesome over here, she says, deadpan and sarcastic. The job hunt is progressing nice and whateverishly (thank you, David Sedaris, for that word). I'm still having my ups and downs about being freshly, stingingly, single. But I'm tired of talking about my feelings about the breakup on here, so let's just slide on past that.

Last week was pretty good. On Sunday, my mom and I went to the antiques faire and she bought me a super awesome Christmas present, which I will reveal after I open it at Christmas (yes, I insisted that it be wrapped and placed under the tree, even though I know what it is. What of it?). I bought some cute little glass animal figurines for my niece's birthday. On Tuesday, I flew out to visit my sister, ostensibly to hunt for a job in her 'hood. But then I came down with a nasty cold so I spent much of the week walking around in a nice little cough syrup haze and being treated to lunches by my sister. Now I'm back in SF, enduring a much harsher reality and having to make my own lunches.


Have I mentioned that I'm taking a hospice volunteering class? Well, I am. And the day after my breakup I had one of said classes. We had to do this grief experiencing exercise where you write down on notecards everything and everyone that you love in this world and then slowly have them taken away from you. Because THIS IS MY LIFE.


Two of my close friends have moved away, I no longer have a boyfriend, one friend is moving soon, and I don't have school anymore so I don't see those people as often. My social life has taken quite a hit. I'm trying, somewhat, to rebuild it, but it is slow going. I tend to collect one friend at a time and hate everyone else, so it's not as if I have a big group of people and dozens of sparkly parties to swan about in.
I have wonderful friends and family members, but they don't all live nearby and right now it would be nice to see everybody more often.


Traveling last week was pretty ridiculous. I managed to get on a plane that wouldn't fly, get a ticket for a train that didn't show up, and ride a bus with wet seats and lecherous men.


Let's end on a good note, shall we? Today I went to the grocery store and they were selling those pre-bagged containers of food so you could just pay ten bucks and then donate that bag of food to the local food bank. I did that, and then I stopped by Walgreens to buy some more toys for the tots. And then I made tortilla soup, and THEN I signed up to help on a research project (a PAYING (part time, short term) job). I also bought a pomegranate today which is delicious, if challenging, to eat.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

cautiously optimistic

I wanted to write this in a much more eloquent and flowery manner, but I have a cold and my brain is fuzzy and I'm typing on an iPad, so this will have to do.

Through some magical combination of time, giving myself a break, getting rid of KC's stuff, drinkiepies, my wonderful friends, my supportive family, presents and care packages, fun activities, comfort food, music, Twitter, cute boys, retail therapy, venting, running, reading, texting, and codeine cough syrup: I am doing better.

I hope I am not jinxing anything by announcing it here, but I am feeling cautiously optimistic and even, dare I say, a tiny bit excited about the possibilities ahead.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Okay! So! Last week I was sad. Weeping, whimpering, and S-A-D sad. I still loved him, still wanted him back, still thought he was the most wonderful and amazing guy ever. I couldn't believe how suddenly he was gone, after being in my arms only days earlier. I'm still sad, of course, still bursting into tears at random intervals. And, yes, still reeling.
But now I am also angry.

I'm angry at myself for not being good enough and for picking the wrong guy, YET AGAIN.  I'm also angry at myself because I am such a damn mess right now and this affects me so much and I wish the hurting would stop. I'm angry because here I am 29 and single, which is so not how I wanted my life to be. I'm angry at the situation because why couldn't it have just worked out? And because for fuck's sake can't anything ever go right? OCTOBER IS FIRED. Actually, no, 2011 is fired. Clear out your desk, 2011. I've had enough of you. I'm angry that this happened and that I also don't have a job, am uninsurable, and have one CD to my name because my damn car keeps getting broken into. I'm angry at my apartment for reminding me of him. I'm angry at my phone for being stupid and lame and for not ringing and also for ringing.

Mostly, though, I'm angry at KC.
I'm furious that he broke my heart. I keep thinking in cliches like HOW DARE YOU? and WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I'm angry that he hasn't tried to contact me (even though I know that's probably for the best), because it feels like I was easily flung aside and he's just *poof* moved on with his life. A couple people have suggested that maybe he's not contacting me because he knows that would make this harder on me. Well, thinking of him as all calm and rational, trying to 'do what's best' for me ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY.
I'm angry that he had been thinking about breaking up with me apparently for a month (or longer?) while I was in the dark. I am enraged at his timing.
I'm angry because I don't know what happened-- what changed? I had thought he and I loved each other and wanted the same things in life but, no, ha ha, surprise! Now he wants something totally different! Or else he wants those same things, just not with me. What the fuck ever. Make up your mind and grow up.
I'm angry because I loved him and I trusted him, and now I feel betrayed.
I feel stupid and used and misled and weak and sad and ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY.