full of beans

Age zero to 29- I hate coffee. Coffee is the worst. It is gross and yucky. It SMELLS delicious which is a BOLD FACED LIE because it tastes like sadness and damp washrags. If I need to drink something caffeinated I will have a Coke or a Pepsi or tea with lots of milk and sugar or I’ll just have snacks instead.

Everyone who likes coffee has already tried to convince me that coffee is great or that I just haven’t tried this PARTICULAR drink or that I’ll grow into it and no. NO I SAY! Coffee is Satan’s preparation H and it can go right to hell.

Age 29- my sister buys me an “Ice Cap” from the little drive through coffee place in her tiny godforsaken Oregon town. It is some sort of ice creamy milkshakey caramelly orgasm in a cup that is now the drink yardstick against which all future tasty beverages shall be measured. The next time I visit my sister she buys me the horrendous CEARLY ALL WRONG abomination “equivalent” from Starbucks which I take one sip of and say YLECH. Ice Caps! I don’t like coffee, I like ICE CAPS.

Age 30- I’m stranded in Oregon after driving up with my sister and her kids. There was a plane crash at SFO and now nobody can fly into or out of SFO and every tiny airport on the Oregon coast has turned into a shit show. Planes are grounded, but I have to get home to go to work. I manage to rent a car at one of the aforementioned tiny airports, so I stop at the little coffee place and buy the BIGGEST ICE CAP I can get my hands on and then hit the road. YES I’ll take that extra shot and whipped cream etc etc all of the sugar please and thank you. Half an hour later I have to pull over because I’m too tired to drive. I reassess the situation and trade in my rental car for a Greyhound ticket and spend the rest of the day pondering how the Ice Cap failed me. (As a bonus, I get off the bus in Oakland to use the bathroom and my bus leaves without me, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Age 31- I cautiously try a caramel mocha frappuccino at the local coffee shop. It’s okay, I guess. I try the regular mocha frap. Gross. I try the regular caramel frap. Gross. I try the caramel mocha frap with extra caramel drizzle on top. It’s okay, I guess. And by that I mean okay enough to have one about 3-5 days per week for a year.

Age 32- Frappuccinos are hard to spell and they’re expensive and I’m kind of tired of them. I’ll try this iced coffee. Ylech. Iced coffee is gross, but maybe if I add some whole milk and a drizzle of caramel it will be tolerable. Yes, I’m sure I wouldn’t like to try a HOT beverage, thankyouverymuch.

When I'm home for Christmas my brother in law brings me the same hot coffee drink as my sister- something marked “CM” on the cup. I go to Starbucks and deduce that it must have been a Caramel Macchiato. I try one. I like it.

Today- I ordered a caramel macchiato and it is delicious. WHO AM I. WHAT IS THIS LIFE. THE SUN IS SHINING THE TANK IS CLEAN.

Julesapalooza2011

On Saturday night some friends came over to help me celebrate the fact that I am (begrudgingly) turning 29 tomorrow. It was fun! I have evidence to prove this.
First we had some drinkies at my house and inspected the latest issue of In Touch magazine.

Leah requested a fancy drink, so KC garnished it with a carrot. He also may or may not have garnished Jenny's rootbeer and vodka with an olive. He was a very, er, creative bartender. And then Daniel interrogated me, "So... why don't you have any actual garnishes? Limes? Lemons? Cherries?..." He had a very thorough list of all the items my bar was missing.

We headed out to the Holy Cow, where I distributed glow bracelets.

 

Jenny demonstrated her multitalentedness by (1) managing to get my hair caught in a glow bracelet, (2) managing to break open one of the glow bracelets and spill the psychadelic goo on the table and herself, and then (3) imitating Gabriel's dance moves

She also made me a killer glow bracelet necklace chain thing. Here's what I looked like with it on:

While we were all on the dance floor, some dude came up and put his arm over my shoulder. "Hey," he said, "do you know where I could get some glow bracelets?"
"Nope. Sorry. No idea." Like I would give up a piece of my magical glowing birthday chain!

We also hung out in the little outside area. I think Daniel might actually be a time traveler.

He did wear a hat, as promised. It got passed around a bit.

 

As did KC's hat.

 Hats are an important element for an evening at the Holy Cow.
As is ridiculousness.

Afterward we grabbed some food at the cafe next door. Daniel announced that he couldn't have a grilled cheese with bacon because he was doing a month without red meat. And then he ordered a cheesesteak sandwich.

We took a long walk and a short cab ride home (seriously, I don't know why it took FOREVER for us to get a cab but we did a lot of shuffling around on darkened streetcorners looking for one).

It was a good birthday celebration. I guess I'm as ready(ish) as I'll ever be to turn 29.

77. visit a brewery

A couple weeks ago I was able to tackle number 77 on my life list. We visited the Anchor Brewing Company, conveniently located within San Francisco.

They give free tours twice a day, Monday through Friday. We reserved ours a couple months in advance which I guess is what you're supposed to do (I wasn't in charge, all I did was show up at the appropriate time. Actually, I was almost LATE because the bus didn't come on time so I took a cab and my cab driver had to pull over and look at a map). The tour included a walk through the brewery, wherein our guide explained the process of making the different varieties of Anchor beers.

We got to see this guy doing... something.

And we saw these guys. Doing... something else.

We saw this bottle washer contraptiony thingamajig.

I remember our tour guide gave us nice, comprehensive explanations of what was going on and what we were seeing. The trouble is that after the tour was the beer tasting and after the tasting was the stumbling home and falling on the bed for two hours, so my memories from the tour are a bit fuzzy. 

Aha! Proof I was there!

Hm.

I guess that makes me a weakling since I flutter my hands and make ick faces at any beer that is TOO STRONG (which is most beer).
 
I'd say a good time was had by all. Several of us managed to tipsily slap down our credit cards and purchase some Anchor merchandise. I ended up with the Humming Ale shirt.

I can totally wear that to class today, right?

Full of Grace

Today is Miss Jenny Grace's birthday.
She is one of the coolest people, like, ever.

Yeah. That's whassup.

Today she is 28. Today also happens to be the day we met, 21 years ago. Wowza.

I'd say today is a VERY appropriate day to post awesome (is awesome the right word?) photos of us through the years:

Ready for a night on the town. Or turning tricks. Whatevs.

And here we are at Disneyland:

We were imitating Dumbo's face from the ride. (I think Jenny did it better than me....)

Photo from here

Jenny, you are fabulous in so many ways. I'm so glad we are (still!) friends.

 
You're the best. I hope you have the best birthday today.

We went out partyin last night and it was quite ridiculous and fun. We celebrated in style. And by "in style" I mean that we both wore the shirts we wore on our respective 25th birthdays. And Jenny treated us to a dance.

Happy Birthday, dollbaby!

Cheers

"Look! They have Costco brand beer!"

"That's crazy! Should we buy it?"

"Do you think it's any good?"

"Well... their toilet paper is good."

"Their tires are good."

"..."

"..."

"Okay, let's buy it!"

 

Sickness and Chico adventures, unrelated (hopefully)

I am sick today. And grumpy.
I am achy and tired and my throat hurts and my head feels... my head feels. Everything. Thinking is bothersome because I can feel it happening.

Anyhow. Can I tell you a little about my weekend trip to Chico?

Jenny and I hit the road on Saturday, after her night of shenanigans with Califmom. We had wanted to do a little shopping in Chico because we always seem to have strangely good luck there so we picked up Stella and went to the mall. The former Gottschalks had been turned into a GIANT Forever 21 which seemed cool at first but was way too overwhelming. We puttered around the mall and ate yummy chocolate peanut butter bar thingies and then decided to go get pedicures.

We found a place that was open (it was lateish-- about 5:30) and sat down for the MOST PAINFUL PEDICURE I'VE EVER GOTTEN IN MY LIFE. I couldn't believe how terrible it was.
Now, people tend to laugh at me when I get pedicures because I'm so ticklish that I end up writhing around in my chair and giggling. This time there was no giggling, but there certainly was WRITHING. He did all the stuff that usually feels great but he made it uncomfortable and painful. He raked salt scrub into my skin and brushed it off with a stiff plastic-bristled brush. He aggressively massaged the lotion on and then he PUNCHED MY FOOT. I got out of there all shaky and sweaty and disoriented. We went back to Stella's house for some much-needed drinkiepies and snacks and an impromptu haircut for Jenny.

We went out. I wore a fantastic hand-me-down dress and lounged in the trunk of a car at 2 am. We danced at club and then danced at a hookah bar. We had FUN.

Later, we stopped by Carl's Junior for a late-night/early-morn snack. We ordered, paid, and sat down to wait for our food. The lady came out and said "Number 36? Number 51?" And we said "over here!" She stared at us and narrowed her eyes. "Did you order, like, chicken fingers and stuff?" "Yes!" we said. She put the tray down in front of us "Are you sure? Because if you steal someone else's food..." she trailed off in an ominous manner. The three of us all at once tried to explain that NO we weren't trying to steal someone else's food, that we had paid for the food, and that here were our little plastic numbers! "Well it happens. Every. Day." she snarked and then huffed away.

So, in conclusion, I always have fun in Chico. Because going out on the town in Chico is REALLY REALLY fun. Even if everything else might suck.

Weekend

Mine was fun....

Yes, I apparently AM five years old.

Douchey club.

It takes serious talent to DOUBLE drunk dial.

Yes.

How was yours?


Pics from the bar snatched from Miss Grace. Check 'em all out here.

105. learn to shuffle cards to fancy way

Okay. So. Jenny decided that she wanted to check off Learn How to Play Poker from her life list so she coerced Daniel into inviting us over and teaching us. And I took a look at my own list and realized, hey! I could learn to shuffle cards the fancy way! Except that no one I asked seemed to know how to do that and I felt kind of discouraged. But then I explained to Jenny that nono I didn't mean THIS:

I just meant that I was tired of shuffling cards by cutting the deck and then smooshing all the cards back together. And she was like "Oh so you meant you wanted to learn how to shuffle cards AT ALL."

Uh.

Yes.

So! We went over to Daniel's house. First I demonstrated how I typically shuffle.

And then Jenny instructed me.

And I didn't get it right away. And that was frustrating. Or, rather, it would have been frustrating if I Daniel hadn't been so prompt with my drink refills. But I realized that THAT is probably the reason I didn't learn to do this at some earlier time in my life. Because I wasn't good at it right away so I just gave up. Huh. And it dawned on me that that is the case with a number of items on my life list-- learning to do flip turns or sew on a sewing machine or drive stick shift car. I tried it once or twice or seventeen times, I couldn't do it right, and elected to live my life without that skill. But NOW. Now I've made the commitment to learn these things and I am nothing if not stubborn, as demonstrated here.

Emily told me to just keep practicing. So I did. I practiced while we drank our drinkiepies, while we gossiped, while we ate our snackies (including FUDGE made by Emily which, OMG nom nom nom), and while Daniel tried to teach us how to play poker (And, yeah, looking at the videos on Jenny's post, I can see how aggravating it must be to try to teach us. Or even MAINTAIN OUR ATTENTION for more than eleven second intervals).

But I practiced

 and practiced

and practiced

and practiced

and practiced.

In other news, OH HAI I HAVE ELBOWS. I don't know why I had my arms positioned like that. But let me tell you it was the ONLY way I could do it. I tried to keep them at my sides and it felt uncomfortable and unnatural, see?



And then!

I did it!

And we used the deck I had so thoroughly shuffled to play!

And then Jenny took all my imaginary money. And we hung out until the wee hours of the morn and continued imbibing beverages AND played a little game I like to call Truth or Ask Jenny Anything and She'll Tell You. It's really fun! Because you can ASK JENNY ANYTHING AND SHE'LL TELL YOU.
And now! She can play poker and I can shuffle cards the regular fancy way! And Daniel is hereby hired as our own personal Life List Facilitator.

St. Patrick's Day

My friends and I went out last night! It was fun!
The proudest of the drinking holidays happened to coincide with the BEGINNING OF SPRING BREAK,  which probably explains the extreme level of enthusiasm we showed for it. Although truth be told we are people who already enjoy dressing up all fancy-like.
I don't have the energy to describe the evening right now. Yes that's right-- I am TOO EXHAUSTED TO TYPE.

But I think the photos tell the story better anyhow....

We got ready:

I know it is all blurry and red-eyey but try to ignore that and focus on our spectacular getups.

We waited for the cab:

Ah yes, nothing hotter than a crotch shot.

 We wandered the streets:

This young gentleman introduced himself as Steamboat.

We had some drinkies:

We had some more drinkies:

We had on fabulous makeup:

We danced:

We tossed aside our woes:

I thought of myself as some sort of St. Patrick's Day superhero.
In trouble? Never fear, Superjules is here! To make your problems disappear! With beer!

SSTOA- Drinkies and Bad Reality TV

I guess I'll start at the beginning?

I arrived at the super secret destination of Sunny San Diego on Friday afternoon. I met up with Jenny and Holly at the airport Chili's, where they were on their second drinks. We said our hello(!!!!!)s and Jenny prompted me to order a drink. So I turned to the waiter and asked for a Lava Flow, which is a drink that is real and exists and I have ordered at other Chili's Restaurants but then he just stared at me blankly. So I asked again, "Could I have a lava flow?"
He blinked, "Well I mean.... if we have the ingredients."
"Uh. Okay." I said,  "Rum? Do you have rum?" I asked.
And then he JUST KEPT STARING AT ME. Until he turned and left, presumably to find out if they did have all the ingredients to make a Lava Flow. And can we take a step back here for a moment and all agree that this is a condition when you order ANYTHING AT ALL? That you'd like to have this particular drink or food item, but only if they have the ingredients to make it??

Anyhow. Biddy arrived and we piled into a cab and headed for the beach. Where we, uh. Hung out in the condo, drinking heavily and watching bad reality TV. And then we went out! To an authentic Mexican restaurant which was not really authentic and then to a dive bar called Dive Bar which was not really a dive bar. And there were many, many douchebags. And then it was back to the condo for more drinkies and more bad reality TV.

Saturday involved wandering on the beach, hanging out in the condo, more bad reality TV, and of course MORE DRINKIES. Oh, and Undercovermama came to join in on teh crazy. We decided to go get our nails did. The first place we stopped had a baffling list of services that included "Virgin Tin Ladies" and "Virgin Tin Gentlemen" and "Rolla Set." I was hoping that we could put all the strange sounding services into a hat and each pick one that we had to get but alas the shop couldn't take all of us. But we managed to find a second nail salon, this one with great mani-pedis and a, uh, well. I'm having a hard time coming up with the words to describe the owner lady. She was.... outspoken? Enthusiastic? Pushy? At any rate, she tried to get all of us to get various parts of our bodies waxed. For Jenny, Holly, and me, she recommended eyebrows. For Biddy, a Brazillian. And then it was back to the condo for more drinkies and more bad reality TV.

For our evening entertainment we went out to sushi and then to a bar/club that was AGAIN FULL OF DOUCHEBAGS. But this time we studied them, as anthropologists might.

And then it was back to the condo for bagels, a late night dip in the ocean, tipsy texting and... more drinkies and more bad reality TV.