You wanna know my life goals? My REAL ones? Here they are: to get married and have babies. That's it. Bottom line. That's all I have wanted out of life since I was about 16. To get married and have babies. School, work, career, hobbies.... pretty much just killing time until I got married and started having babies. And if I let myself think about it too hard and realize that many of my friends are already much farther along that road than I am and that I'm already older than all of my sisters were when they got engaged, it doesn't take much to push me into a sea of despair.
Because honestly? I have spent a long time telling myself that what I really wanted was a career and independence. I think it's partially because I was raised in a society where women are now expected to want that since we didn't have the opportunity in the past. And don't get me wrong, I do want to go to nursing school and eventually be a nurse practitioner. I want that to be my job and my passion and I think that I will enjoy it. And I want hobbies and friends and goals and pets and LIFE. But first I want to get married and have babies. Throughout the past ten years I thought that would happen eventually, naturally, on its own. Especially as I got older and, I thought, closer to my goal.
But it turns out? I wasn't getting closer. Because I'm not there yet. I know I'm only 26 and this isn't the 1400s so I'm not some old spinster. But even though I consider myself a happy person on a daily basis, when I think about the 26-year-old I thought I would be when I was a little girl.... I feel disappointed.