Tuesday, September 9, 2008

A year late for my quarterlife crisis

Fall quarter of school officially starts tomorrow and when I think about that, it really just exhausts me. Because while I thoroughly enjoyed my time off, it also made me realize how all-consuming I have let school become. And I know it's only temporary and I know it's really what I want to do but it's hard for me to accept that I've sort of become this person who let go of the important things in her life.

You wanna know my life goals? My REAL ones? Here they are: to get married and have babies. That's it. Bottom line. That's all I have wanted out of life since I was about 16. To get married and have babies. School, work, career, hobbies.... pretty much just killing time until I got married and started having babies. And if I let myself think about it too hard and realize that many of my friends are already much farther along that road than I am and that I'm already older than all of my sisters were when they got engaged, it doesn't take much to push me into a sea of despair.

Because honestly? I have spent a long time telling myself that what I really wanted was a career and independence. I think it's partially because I was raised in a society where women are now expected to want that since we didn't have the opportunity in the past. And don't get me wrong, I do want to go to nursing school and eventually be a nurse practitioner. I want that to be my job and my passion and I think that I will enjoy it. And I want hobbies and friends and goals and pets and LIFE. But first I want to get married and have babies. Throughout the past ten years I thought that would happen eventually, naturally, on its own. Especially as I got older and, I thought, closer to my goal.

But it turns out? I wasn't getting closer. Because I'm not there yet. I know I'm only 26 and this isn't the 1400s so I'm not some old spinster. But even though I consider myself a happy person on a daily basis, when I think about the 26-year-old I thought I would be when I was a little girl.... I feel disappointed.