Men of the world! I realize that navigating the world of dating can be tricky. There are certain things that I had formerly thought were obvious, but it appears that they are not. So here I am, clarifying a few things, in case you happen to find yourself interested in dating me.
1. If you are enjoying the pleasure of my company, then, by all means, let me know. If you are no longer enjoying my company then, similarly, do let me know. Because that whole 'be mean to her until she doesn't want to see me again' thing you guys do? Sucks. And it doesn't work on me. I WILL NOT take your hints. I tend to take people at their word-- if you TELL me something, I will go by this, even if you are acting the opposite way.
2. If you are divorced, in a relationship, or married, please make this clear upon meeting me. Even if you are separated I would rather know up front.
3. If you have a child or children, please make this clear upon meeting me. If there is a lady out there who is currently pregnant with your child, THAT COUNTS.
4. Please don't proposition me for sex, out of the blue, via text message. And especially don't PERSIST after I say no. That's just creepy. You can't talk me into wanting to sleep with you. I either want to, or I don't.
5. Don't lie. DON'T LIE, MOTHERFUCKER. Don't tell me lies. Don't lie through omission. Don't say what I want to hear because you think the truth will upset me. Just. Don't. Lie.
6. Please don't play games. I dislike games and I'm no good at them. If you say you're going to call me, call me. If you say you like me, don't act weird and aloof. Just be straightforward with me and I'll do the same for you.
Was that helpful? I do hope so. Please keep in mind these handy tips when wooing the lady of your choice, and particularly when considering dating me. Thank you for your kind attention.