Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dating me is not easy.

I have a couple new posts in the queue. (Wait. Seriously? That's how you spell queue? How awesome and ridiculous all at the same time.)
Starting over: I have couple new posts in the queue, one about my weekend trip to Vegas and one about my new table from the flea market, but both of those are on hold for right now because last night KC told me that his ex girlfriend is coming to town this weekend and he wants to hang out with her. So the presses have been stopped in order to deal with this breaking news item.

KC wants to spend time with his ex this weekend. And. Um. I just... ugh. Ack.

It that makes me anxious and tense.

It bothers me that he's going to hang out with her, but not in the way you might think.
Despite having screwed over in the past so very much, I actually really do trust KC. He has never given off a shady vibe or made me feel suspicious. He always answers the phone when I call; he's never weirdly unavailable or secretive. He'll leave his facebook page or email signed in on my computer and I feel zero urge to go through it. And if I ever DO have an odd feeling about something he is more than willing to talk to me about it. Also, to KC's credit, he talked to me before hanging out with her, and even waited to talk to me in person about it instead of over the phone. He didn't secretly go spend time with her and tell me about it later or not at all, unlike some people.

I just want to make it very clear that I trust KC so that isn't what the issue is here.
The issue is me and my own insecurities and jealous tendencies. It's something I have written about before, something I hate about myself.

I think that part of the problem is actually MY ex, the crazy one. It's easy to blame things on him because that relationship was such a cacophony of fuckeduppedness, but in this case I feel like it's really true-- I can look back to the time BC (Before Crazy) and see how I've changed.
Basically, what Crazy Ex did was a lot of emotional manipulation, part of which included making me feel competitive and insecure about his ex (are you following?). He didn't want us to get along, probably because he didn't want her to ever take me aside and say "Hey, Jules, this guy is bad news and p.s. I'm MARRIED TO HIM."*
*No, I didn't know that until after Crazy Ex and I had broken up and they were also divorced by then. I didn't know that they had ever been married. You'd think someone in his life might have mentioned that to me during the two years I was with him.

Maybe you will want to tell me that, pshh, it isn't a big deal to not get along with your partner's ex. And that's true, they're exes for a reason and there can be a lot of complicated history and hurt feelings and why on earth would you LIKE someone who dated your boyfriend before you?
But, you see, when you are in a relationship with an emotionally abusive sociopath the regular rules are out the window because you aren't dealing with someone with normal human emotions and tendencies. It wasn't just that I didn't get along with Crazy Ex's ex girlfriend (wife). No no, Crazy Ex purposely manufactured tension between his ex and me, so that we would never get along and that he could get exactly what he wanted out of both relationships. If he hadn't done this, I might not have been her best friend but I don't think I would have felt nauseous and panicky every time I saw her. Just like all the other ways he emotionally abused me, this started slowly (a word here, an old photo there) but eventually wore me down. It got to the point where he would openly compare me to her and and list the ways in which she was better. I got to the point where I felt like I could never measure up, that our relationship would never measure up to what theirs had been.

So. With all of that as backstory, let's go back to the issue at hand. KC wants to hang out with his ex.
When KC first moved to the Bay Area it was with this girl. She was moving here so he basically followed her. And then after a year(ish?) in SF he followed her up to Marin County when she wanted to move there. And then she cheated on him, broke up with him, and left him with a 2 bedroom house he couldn't afford and a lease he couldn't break. And two cats.
So one issue is that I have trouble understanding why KC would even WANT to be friends with someone who so royally screwed him over, but then again being friends with your ex is already a difficult concept for me to grasp.
And my other issue is that, as you can see, she was a BIG part of his life. He was very committed to that relationship and, according to his friends, devastated when it was over. When I'm in the mood to drive myself insane with obsessive thought-circles I do things like wonder if KC will ever be as committed to me as he clearly was to her, or if I'll ever be as important to him as she was, or if he loves me as much as he loved her.

I KNOW that logically I should just chill the hell out and not let it bother me-- I trust KC and if he wants to hang out with his ex then fine, whatever, have a good time.
I KNOW that KC is totally different from my Crazy Ex and that it probably doesn't even occur to him to, like, compare his relationship with me to his relationship with her. To him, letting her come over and see the cats is just letting her come over and see the cats. To me and my insane thought processes, it's them reminiscing about the life they once shared.

Logically, I know it should not be a big deal and that I should hold my head high and just get over it but logic doesn't take away my anxiety.

If you have any words to share that might help me get through this weekend, I'd be very appreciative. I DO have a therapist which is very helpful for when I want to explore my thoughts and feelings. But here I know what my thoughts and feelings are, I know where they originate and why they are so bothersome, but I don't know what to do when they come up. Go shopping? Repeat a nice, positive  phrase over and over in my head? Do something productive so I feel accomplished?
You've gotta give me some ideas because weeping in the shower just isn't cutting it.

EDIT TO ADD: I'd like to thank everyone who commented or who separately gave me words of advice or sympathy about this. I think sometimes I overanalyze myself and tend to think I'm reacting to something because of my previous relationships-- I'm messed up because of this or I'm extra sensitive because of that. I was beating myself up over this situation, but I came to realize that my reaction to it wasn't bad or wrong. It is okay that I'm not comfortable with this, even if KC doesn't understand, because my feelings actually matter.