Sunday, October 23, 2011


Today. Well. Today sucked.
It started out regular, usual, normal. KC and I went to the flea market and then lunch and then to the cactus store because he loves succulents. And then we came home, took a nap, and hung out for a little bit.
And then we broke up.
I still don't even know how we got from there to here, but basically he says he needs to be on his own for awhile.
Well okay then.
I just don't even know how to handle this.
He's the best guy I've known.
BY FAR the best guy I've dated.
Sure, we've had our issues, but I never really thought that they would result in us not being together.
My apartment is still full of him. His clothes, his hats, his photos. He is right across town but he's a million miles away.
It would almost be easier if he were a jerk. Every other breakup I have had has at least had the silver lining of relief. A feeling of WHEW. GLAD THAT'S OVER. Not this time. I don't want it to be over.
I want to hop in my time machine and wake up and start this day over again and have this not happen. A week ago we had dinner at my parents' house. He gave my nephew a guitar lesson and helped my mom water her garden. Yesterday we drank beer and watched football. Today he told me he can't do this anymore; his heart isn't in it.

I was so broken, so hurt, and so afraid when I met him. I didn't think I could trust again. He  helped me heal and showed me what real trust could be. He brought out the best in me. He made me happier than I knew I could be.
He gives the best hugs.

I wish I hadn't been so needy, so sensitive, so jealous, so available, so weepy, so pushy. I wish he could be sure about me, because I'm sure about him. I wish I could be enough for him.

I miss you already, my love.  I hope you find what makes you happy.