Tuesday, October 7, 2008

There are NO CUTE GUYS in Santa Cruz

Jenny and I have long been of the understanding that there are NO CUTE GUYS in Santa Cruz. If you think there are, you haven't been outside the county and you are wrong. There are no cute guys in Santa Cruz. There are beautiful girls. Plenty of them. And there are okay looking guys. And there are cuteish guys. And there are guys who surf. And since there are plenty of beautiful girls and a staggering lack of cute guys, these okay guys and cuteish guys and guys who surf have a disproportionate number of beauties vying for their attention. If there is a cute guy, you can guarantee he is either at the center of a circle of girls or being shielded from them by his girlfriend. And maybe it's a relative thing, too, because there are lots of different kinds of cute-- nerdy cute, funky cute, interesting cute, wonderful personality cute.... I think maybe one of the reasons I stand by the assessment that there are NO CUTE GUYS in Santa Cruz is that so many of them are such jerks. Since they are constantly getting hit on by pretty ladies, they seem to develop these "hotter than thou" personalities. Which is really obnoxious because, well, they're not.

I was at a party a few years ago and I tapped a boy on the shoulder because he was wearing a tee shirt that had the name of a beer from Fiji. I had been to Fiji a few months before and I was curious to know if he had been there too. He answered my questions in a polite, yet over-the-top uninterested way. His mouth was saying "I was there on a surf trip" but his eyes were saying I'm soooo not stoked about you, regular-looking girl. I'm out of your league! I'm gonna get me some pussy tonight from one of these gorgeous girls! They will hit on me! Because I surf!!
Hey, asshole, I'm not interested in you either. I was really just trying to be polite and not spend the party glaring around the room and thinking this town really has no cute guys. Yes. That includes you. That is the only reason girls hit on you-- you are mediocre looking and you surf and you are surrounded by other mediocre guys and gorgeous, gorgeous girls. Regular girls like me don't stand a chance. The odds are devastatingly in your favor, you tool.

Anyhow, I just wanted to make sure that we are clear on the fact that there are no cute guys in Santa Cruz before I tell this story. I'm not sure if I can do it justice. You have to imagine that Miss Grace is high on cold medicine and is basically telling the following story as if it were one long, continuous sentence:

"So I was at work a couple weeks ago and I was sitting on the bench outside eating lunch and we saw this guy ride by on his bike and I turned to my coworker and I was like "that was kind of a fuckable guy wasn't he?" And then I riding the bus to work a few days later and this guy got on the bus and I don't really remember what the other guy looked like but I think it's pretty statistically unlikely that there's more than one cute guy in town so I think it might have been the same guy but I hit him in the face with my purse. And he had a bike with him. And THEN a couple days ago this guy came into work who I think might have been the same guy that I hit in the face with my purse and he had his pant leg rolled up like he had been riding on a bike so I think it's the same guy but I'm not sure but he's really cute and I think he might be. A cute guy in Santa Cruz! I don't know what to do!"

A cute guy in Santa Cruz! Or, possibly, three! Someone out there is doing their part to positively influence the demographics. Want to do yours? Here's what you do: Step 1. Leave the county. Step 2. Find a nice, handsome man and bring him back to Santa Cruz. Step 3. Have his nice, handsome, boy babies. Make Santa Cruz better for future generations of regular girls. Trust me, they deserve it.