alarming

Last weekend Niall decided to make meatloaf. The concept had previously not appealed to him, which makes sense given its name. Meat... loaf. However, he realized that he likes all the ingredients that typically go into a meatloaf, so he thought he’d give it a go. I found him the Pioneer Woman’s recipe online and he modified it in an apparent effort to include as many animals as possible (ground beef, ground lamb, bacon strips over the top).

The baconey drippings from the meatloaf got a bit scorched in the oven while it was baking, which meant that our fire alarm went off and we subsequently learned that our fire alarm is the least alarmed sounding alarm in the world. It makes a pitiful little meep noise and also says the words “Fire. Fire.” I don’t feel like our fire alarm takes its job very seriously. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a fire alarm. It’s more of a fire calmly announce.

By contrast, my old building’s fire alarm system was absolutely MILITANT about its job. Whenever I cooked pretty much anything it would start shrieking at me and I’d have to open the window and fan the alarm unit with a towel until it shut the hell up. If there was fire detected or an alarm pulled in any of the common areas of the building, there was a speaker inside every apartment that would make siren noises and ALSO shout at you:

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.

AN ALARM HAS BEEN ACTIVATED.

WE ARE INVESTIGATING THE CAUSE.

PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND STANDBY NEAR THE SPEAKER FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTION.

[short pause]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE…. Etc.

This would repeat on a loop over and over until whatever happened was figured out, at which point we would usually get an announcement like “Thank you for your attention, this has been a false alarm” or whatever. The longest it ever went on while I lived there was probably only about 15 minutes, but that FEELS LIKE ETERNITY when, say, you’re woken up from a sound sleep in the middle of the night.

Last night I made brownies and I went to bed right after I took them out of the oven. I woke up this morning feeling unusually warm. The whole apartment felt unusually warm. And then I found out that I had accidentally LEFT THE OVEN ON ALL NIGHT.

I think I may have mentioned this previously, my cousin once used her blow dryer and then put it away under the sink in her bathroom and then left for work. When she came home that afternoon she found that HER HOUSE HAD BURNED DOWN. (She’s fine, her family is all fine, but house = gone.)

Burning the house down is one of my nightmares. And I left the oven on! All night! What if something had caught fire? What if the house had burned down? If I left the oven on, what if this means I might leave OTHER things on and forget about them also? OHMYGOD I’m going to burn our house down, or not put the emergency brake on my car when I park it on a hill and have it roll down and hit someone, or turn on the garbage disposal when somebody is fishing out a spoon, or leave a vulnerable person or animal in a hot car, or SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO HAPPEN AND IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULLLLLLLLLT.

My fire calmly announce may not be very alarmed, but I certainly am.

Dishwasher story. Just as interesting as it sounds.

So my dishwasher seems to be broken. I load it up, shake in the powdered soap, close the door and press Start and it makes all kinds of wooshy promising noises and then in thirty minutes or so it gets quiet and the "Clean" light blinks at me. Which has TRICKED ME several times into thinking that the dishes are clean so I open the dishwasher to find the soap powder only semi-used and dishes with water/soap condensation all over them. It is strange.

According to the manual, the flashing "Clean" light ACTUALLY means "Call someone to come fix it." Instead I have interpreted it as: Try it again. Try it again. Turn off and on the circuit breaker and try it again. Try it again. Start using dishwasher as a dish drying rack.

I will eventually get it fixed I'm sure and it's not a big deal-- not like I can't live without a dishwasher. But I really would like to sit it down and reason with it because of all the appliances I use and abuse the dishwasher has a pretty cushy life. I load it up throughout the week and only run it when it is full. AND I am so persnickety and can't stand to put dishes in the dishwasher that have any food at all on them that I pretty much do a total pre-wash before I put them in there. On the other hand I'll toss ANYTHING into the washer and it has already proven itself to be a touch finicky.

I think what my dishwasher needs is and ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT.

Profiling Myself (Part 6: The Older Gentleman)

I know it's been awhile since I've written about my adventures in online dating but I haven't forgotten about it and I hope you haven't either. For anyone who hasn't been following along you can read about my online dating profile here and here, and the other emails I received here, here, and here.

You guys. YOU GUYS. I thought I had lost this email and I found it today on my phone. This message is from a 63 year old gentleman who calls himself Thor5.

Hi,
You seem like an interesting and intelligent woman who has an incredibly positive outlook towards life, and I wish you the best. We should talk. You will not be bored.

I realize I may be over the ideal age of men you are looking for, but I think we should talk. Most of my students think I am in my early 40’s. Having tried out for the US Olympic cycling team twice, I keep extremely fit. You will never possibly meet anyone as educated as me. I have a Ph. D (UCLA), law degree (University of Pennsylvania) and an extra year in 7th grade (I was a bit of a juvenile delinquent). I am not that impressed with education. What a person has in their hearts and minds can best be judged by their values and whether they have the character to reflect their values in their actions. By the way being in love is both an art and a craft. I think we have similar values and I know we could have a great conversation,

I could go on with such statements, but my right hand just came out of a cast and typing is extremely slow and awkward. It would be great if you could respond to me.
Thanks,
T.

Uh. Wow. First of all, I will NEVER meet anyone more educated than you? Never? Also, why did you try to wow me about all your fancy degrees and then say that you're not that impressed with education? Also, people mistake you for FORTY? People mistake me for a teenager, dude.

Also, I'm not going to post his picture for the sake of anonymity but I think it's safe to say that it is an olllld photo, if the greaser hair is any indication.

Being in love is both an art and a craft. PSA, everyone!

UPR Google Voice

I started using Google Voice about about two months ago. I got it because I was interested in the text message feature. That is, when somebody leaves me a message, instead of having to call my voicemail I receive a transcription of the voicemail via text message on my phone. I can also listen to the voicemail on my computer. So far it has been really handy-- there are some situations wherein it would be impolite to hold a phone to my ear and there are some instances when I just don't have the TIME to slog through a bunch of messages to get to the one that I've been waiting for. Sure, the transcription doesn't always come out perfect but I don't get a lot of Highly Important messages, so that's rarely a big issue.

Except for when it is. When I'm waiting on crucial information, that's when I need Google Voice to step up its game and MEET MY TRANSCRIBING NEEDS. When I'm sitting in class, nervously yet oh-so-discreetly waiting on a call, THIS is not what I need:

Hey Julia, Bingley Arms embargo 3. Alright so I think I would like to have a good day. I'm going to be there. Anyway, I'm gonna be in 503. I will. Me, Hey Julie, Model, 30, and for aubertie Sylvester I can go by there and see if I can. I couldn't work and yeah i can ask for gonzo. So yeah out for a period Film Fest and when I read 503 and I'll just I'll talk to her and if they're not in session. The hobbled by the out box and work and see if I just forgot to call me and if that's the case, but I'll pick it up and if not then I'll just give them a call tomorrow and see what sort of, so I'll give you an update today when I leave. Or else, and I'll let you know one way or another. Okay thanks bye.

Profiling Myself (Part 5: More Emails)

More email gems from my online dating extravaganza! If you're just tuning in now, go here and here to look at my profile. Go here and here for the other emails from potential soul mates.

hi ..................

Simply, I liked your profile cat and very beautiful pictures. And I love that your 5'8" ....would you like giving this a small chance?

Though a short message hope to hear from u soon... please ask any questions!

Seriously, send me an email !!!

My reaction to this one was my 5'8" what? MY 5'8" WHAT?



---
Hey
You didnt even try on your profile posting did you.. it took you like a minute..

Girls have it so easy.. they just shoot a photo and wait for the guys to line up and submit their applications to meet you.. Well not me mam.. I aint no sheep.

I've emailed 25 emails now in the past month or so.. I had 1 response, saying basically "no vegans".

I think this website works for women only.. what men do you actually respond to on this ? What do I have to put in my profile to get that to happen?

I have money, I'm young, attractive, fit, I'm a nice guy... and no responses.. what the heck???

This is why I'm just ranting at this point, since this is basically the last email I send before I join monkhood.

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I would have said no vegans too but I don't even know where to begin.

Profiling Myself (Part 1)

My mom recently reminded me that she and my dad met on a blind date. They've been together for over 40 years. I think she told me this to try and make me feel less irritated at my family who keep making fun of me for my online dating.

That's right, I said ONLINE DATING.

I've been trying it. And it's been interesting.

It all started, as most good choices do, impulsively. I was at home on some particular night wondering what to do with myself. I started poking around on a dating site and before I knew it I was typing in my credit card number and trying to come up with a clever nickname since "Superjules" was already taken.

I had never thought I would try it. "I met my date/boyfriend/husband on the internet" never sounded to me like a desirable story.

But you know what an even less desirable story would be? DYING ALONE AND CHILDLESS, THAT'S WHAT.

So! With that attitude, I created my profile. In the interest of shamelessness, here it is!

Try not to judge me too much....

OMG. [Face getting hot.]

So, with my photos I basically tried to say: I'm cute! I have a tattoo! I like to party! I like going outside! I have a cat! I have friends! I wear glasses sometimes!
The profile was harder, the site had all these pages full of questions and I felt like I had to answer all of them. Well, all of them except INCOME, obviously (I'm a student-- my income would be in the negative numbers). And a lot of the sections were little boxes to check, but then the program automatically alphabetized them. So my profile makes it look like bowling is like my number one favorite activity of all time when in reality I could take it or leave it. I also said that I exercise 3-4 times per week. There wasn't a space for me to explain that by "exercise" I meant "I walk to and from the train."

I was initially worried that, oh geez, people looking for dates on the internet are just going to be creepy weirdos who can't get dates in real life, ugh. But then I was like, well, I'M on here and I'm normalish. Right?

LAPPY!

In the past, oh, hour or so I have become completely obsessed with the idea of getting one of those mini laptops.

I guess it all started earlier today, when I started feeling more and more like I should go to Blogher this year. I had a nebulous idea about it this morning and then by this afternoon I had essentially decided to go. My main reasons for thinking I was not going were (1) money and (2) what if I'm doing something else then? But then I realized that the solutions seem to be (1) credit card and budgeting blah blah and (2) plan to go to Blogher because then that will be the thing that I'm doing then.

And then I realized that if I go to Blogher, I'm going to want to bring my laptop, and wouldn't it be great if I had a MINI laptop to bring? (Yes).

And then Miss Grace told me that they have them at Costco for $notcheapbutreallynotALLthatmuch. What I really want is a give a laptop get a laptop laptop but I don't think they are running the GET part of that deal anymore and it is probably selfish of me but I'd really like to get one if I'm donating two hundred bones (especially since that used to be part of their dealie).

Apparently I've also been nominated by Holly and Miss Grace to bring my "lappy" next weekend. Lappy! I love that Holly calls it a lappy. A LAPPY! If I had a mini laptop, I would certainly call it a lappy. Okay, so here we go. Top Ten Reasons why Superjules Needs a Mini Laptop:

1. I could call it a LAPPY
2. Cuteness
3. Purse fittage
4. Ease on planes
5. I would bring it to class, no really I would
6. uh...
7. It's cheaper than a regular laptop and mine is almost two years old
8. Lightweightness
9. Blogher and other bloggy conference needs
10. LAPPY!

Someone please teach me.

As someone who voluntarily spurts my thoughts and feelings onto the internet on a semiregular basis, one might think that I have some sort of technological knowledge and could at least hold my own in a discussion about things gaget-related. This is incorrect. I am stunningly lost when it comes to things pertaining to the internet and, like, editing the way things look on my page (code? what?). I tried and failed to set up google analytics. And JUST LAST MONTH I figured out how to set up a feed reader and I am still getting used to how it works (which, I will admit, is much better than trying to just remember the web pages of all the blogs I wanted to read like I used to do. Yeah). Jewels = not so great with the new technical thingamajigies.

Today I bought this:


The Blackberry Curve.

And, uh. I hate it.

Okay, that's not true. I don't HATE it. But I don't LOVE it, like Mr. Verizon Store Man said I would. And I'm kind of kicking myself because I had thanked him for telling me all about the phones and told him I was planning to come back tomorrow but he was all "oh you won't regret buying this phone here look at this and this and that and just listen to my sooooothing voice don't worrrrrry, haaand over your credit card it'll all be over sooooooon." And so I bought it. And now I'm not sure it's the right phone for me, so I am considering taking it back.

I am someone who tends to have very specific requirements for items like bags and hairbands so I definitely don't want to jump right into a new phone purchase without carefully deciding on the characteristics I need. So here is (roughly) what I am looking for:

• I need a phone that can go on the internet, where I can look up directions and do some web browsing and whatnot while away from my computer. I would like to be able to check my email. And having little application buttony things wouldn't be so bad, but it's not a requirement. But is a Blackberry or whatever THAT much better than a regular phone plus internet?
  
• I do not want an iphone. I have Verizon and don't want to switch. Also, I am not interested in purchasing an iphone and defiling it somehow in order to make it compatible with Verizon. Also, I don't want to spend $300.
• I want to spend $100 or less. This is the amount of my upgrade with 2 more years of Verizon.
  
• I want the phone to look and act like a phone when I use it as a phone. I want it to be easy to hear the other person and for it not to be too bulky when I hold it up to my ear.
• No flip phones! I break them in half.
• A largeish screen would be nice.
• I desperately need something easy to use. I might just not have a delicate enough touch, but the little rolly ball thing on the Blackberry Curve is driving me crazy.
  
• I thought I didn't want a touch screen phone because of the whole seeing it in the sunlight aspect. But now I am rethinking this opinion and feeling unsure.
  

So... what should I get? The EnV? The Blackberry Storm? Something that flips open sideways with the qwerty keyboard? Something with a touch screen? A Tin Can With Piece of String?

This is a cry for help.

I've also watched 15 episodes of Family Guy

Well here I am in the greater LA area....
The drive down was fine-- my good friend and neighbor Stefanie decided to take me up on the ride to LA to visit a friend. We had a nice time for the first hour or so wherein she used the conversational skills clearly inherited from her mother (So Julia, what is your favorite movie of all time? Have you read any good books lately? How do you envision your life in 5 years?). Then she informed me that some people tell her she has "carcolepsy" and zonked out. I coaxed her awake with Taco Bell and David Sedaris and she was a fine travel companion after that. We met up with Elena and Jon for delicious dinner and phone envy at Houston's. Okay, I know everyone else already knows this but man iphones are cool! I always thought I didn't want a touch screen phone, but I suppose I can get over that for a phone that makes the noise of maracas when you shake it.
My car is still making the funny noise but I plan to ignore it and drive to San Diego tomorrow to visit 2/3 of my sisters and 5/8 of my neices and nephews!

Just until the novelty wears off

Okay, I promise that I won't spend tomorrow in front of my computer. I will go outside. I will bask in the sun and enjoy this uncharacteristically warm weather.

But I must say I am enjoying this laptop gadget. I got it because my school recommended that if our computers were more than 2 years old, we might want to at least think about doing some serious upgrades since there are certain applications that we'll need for classes and such.

Since my computer was a good 6 years old, I decided to get a new one. So far I'm really enjoying it. As a Mac, I expected that it would look sleek and pretty and it has certainly lived up to that. Crisp is a good word for it. And I know I rolled my eyes at the "convenience" factor for years but it's true! It really is convenient. When they told us at Orientation to make sure we were registered for classes, I just popped the top and did it right there. No frantic scribbling on my note paper, no worrying that I wouldn't remember. Done!

I mean after, of course, I had the nice boy behind me figure out how to add my computer's number to the school's web site or ........ something.. ??

Anyhow, I haven't owned a laptop since the administration forced every student in my high school to buy one. This they decided to enforce my senior year of high school. Which meant that my classmates and I had a rather skewed perspective of laptops. We had no concept of how valuable they were. I was constantly leaving my laptop in the library. Not forgetting it. No, I would go to the library, set it up, and leave it there for a couple hours and come back and use it intermittently. This was completely normal. People jammed their laptops into lockers or left them under benches in the gym. They covered them with stickers. Drew on them with sharpie. "Can I borrow your laptop for class?" was a perfectly reasonable request.

The laptops weren't novel, they weren't interesting. They were just a presence. And and occasional annoyance. And apparently it has now taken me the past 8 years to realize how cool they really are.