Profiling Myself (Part 5: More Emails)

More email gems from my online dating extravaganza! If you're just tuning in now, go here and here to look at my profile. Go here and here for the other emails from potential soul mates.

hi ..................

Simply, I liked your profile cat and very beautiful pictures. And I love that your 5'8" ....would you like giving this a small chance?

Though a short message hope to hear from u soon... please ask any questions!

Seriously, send me an email !!!

My reaction to this one was my 5'8" what? MY 5'8" WHAT?



---
Hey
You didnt even try on your profile posting did you.. it took you like a minute..

Girls have it so easy.. they just shoot a photo and wait for the guys to line up and submit their applications to meet you.. Well not me mam.. I aint no sheep.

I've emailed 25 emails now in the past month or so.. I had 1 response, saying basically "no vegans".

I think this website works for women only.. what men do you actually respond to on this ? What do I have to put in my profile to get that to happen?

I have money, I'm young, attractive, fit, I'm a nice guy... and no responses.. what the heck???

This is why I'm just ranting at this point, since this is basically the last email I send before I join monkhood.

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

I would have said no vegans too but I don't even know where to begin.

Stupid Drunk from the drink, waving with a hammer

So late last night I tried typing "Julia is" into Google to see what the most searched threads were.

Uh. What? The first one that comes up is JULIA IS A HIGHLY ENTHUSIASTIC SEX BOT. That's the MOST searched thread (if I'm interpreting the Google search box thingy correctly). Well okay then.

Curious about "Julia is zo schoon," I clicked on the link. And it turns out it is some kind of song or poem? Translated, it apparently goes something like this:

Julia is so clean, as clean as the siren  
All she has red hair and a few crooked legs

Julia, Julia, Ju-li-a Julia, Julia, Ju-li-a
Julia, Julia, Ju-li-a, and Julia is so clean.

And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful hair
In front of and behind the flax yarn was

And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful teeth
They are as green as grass, yellow with dark edges
 
And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful eyes
One is glass and the other looks up

And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful breasts
One of cork, the other is full of crusts

And Julia is so beautiful, she has those beautiful ears
One who is deaf, the other can not hear

And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful arms
She hung up her body, and dried intestines

And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful legs
One is wood and the other disappeared

And Julia is so beautiful, she has such beautiful legs
One keeps them stiff and the other lets them vibrate
 
And as Julia ate, she could show her appetite
She did not eat but they ate in one days ten pounds beans

And Julia was sick last, when she was in her room
Stupid Drunk from the drink, waving with a hammer

And now Julia is dead, now you can see her
Filled with bran, she lies in 'the museum to shine

Julia, Julia, Ju-li-a Julia, Julia, Ju-li-a
Julia, Julia, Ju-li-a, and Julia is so clean.


Yeah. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.... Those are the things that come up if you look for my name online.
I HAVE QUESTIONS.

30. spend an entire day in bed

Yesterday I did nothing. Nothing at all. And I'm proud of it.
Because yesterday doing nothing meant accomplishing something.
Number 30 on my list-- spend an entire day in bed without being sick or feeling guilty. The caveat about not being sick or feeling guilty was really the important part of this goal. I have certainly done my share of lazing about, but what I really wanted was to give myself permission to just not worry for a day. Because I can worry like nobody's bidness; even when I'm trying to relax I have a hard time turning my brain off and not thinking about the things I'm supposed to get done. So yesterday was the perfect day for this. I was mostly done with my finals and projects and whatnot and I was pretty tired from the adventures the night before. So I just... relaxed.

The day went something like this:

5 am. Woke up when Bowie jumped off my bed started running around like a crazy beast. I checked my email and played on the internet.

Then I dozed off for a little while.

8ish. Woke up again. Went to the kitchen to fix myself some Spaghettios. Decided that it would not be a day for accomplishing tasks and snuggled back into bed.

Started watching the Jersey Shore.

11 am. Heated up a tortilla.

11:07 am. Heated up another tortilla.

11:45 am. Heated up another tortilla.

11:49 am. Heated up another tortilla. (I like tortillas.)

Watched more Jersey Shore.

2 pm. Naptime. Bowie joined in for this.

4 pm. Chatted.

4:45 pm. Got up. Yawned, stretched, and opened the curtains. Heated up another tortilla.

I spent the entire day lounging yesterday. It was wonderful. And today I got up full of vim and vigor, ready to run on the treadmill, finish up my homework, and tackle my to-do list.

Hello world, I think I'm ready for you now!

St. Patrick's Day

My friends and I went out last night! It was fun!
The proudest of the drinking holidays happened to coincide with the BEGINNING OF SPRING BREAK,  which probably explains the extreme level of enthusiasm we showed for it. Although truth be told we are people who already enjoy dressing up all fancy-like.
I don't have the energy to describe the evening right now. Yes that's right-- I am TOO EXHAUSTED TO TYPE.

But I think the photos tell the story better anyhow....

We got ready:

I know it is all blurry and red-eyey but try to ignore that and focus on our spectacular getups.

We waited for the cab:

Ah yes, nothing hotter than a crotch shot.

 We wandered the streets:

This young gentleman introduced himself as Steamboat.

We had some drinkies:

We had some more drinkies:

We had on fabulous makeup:

We danced:

We tossed aside our woes:

I thought of myself as some sort of St. Patrick's Day superhero.
In trouble? Never fear, Superjules is here! To make your problems disappear! With beer!

Bowie Pants Wolverine

What's that? Why, YES, in fact I AM writing a blog post about my cat! Because today is his birthday! And I love him!
This post consists largely of pictures of Bowie. Feel free to move along if that kind of thing does not interest you. (Actually I feel silly saying that. Like, under normal circumstances you're required to keep reading but TODAY you have permission to skip it?).

Anyhow! Bowie is six today. Or around today. Because I got him and the vet said he was about three weeks old so I did some hazy math to assign him his birthday.

I fell instantly in love with that little ball of fluff the moment I saw him. Of course, some people didn't think he was quite as adorable as I did-- can't imagine why.

But he got cuter.

So cute.

Oof.

Okay okay that's enough kitten photos.

Well, how about just one more?

Now he's six. SIX! That's, like, middle-aged in cat years! He's older than nearly half of my nieces and nephews. He's lived in my last four apartments.

And, oh yeah, he grew.

And became rather distinguished.

And curious.

And tolerant.

And, uh, idiosyncratic?

?

The weirdo prefers to only drink running water.

This means that on any given morning he will jump up onto the bathroom counter and meow at me until I turn on the water.

And sometimes he will go back and forth between the sink and the bathtub, yowling at me to turn on whichever faucet His Majesty currently prefers. Oh and I bought him one of those stupid cat fountain things a couple years ago and he STILL wanted me to turn the sink on instead. Brat.

I used to lock him in a crate at night because he would run! around! and! pounce! all! night! long! But then I got my big fuzzy blanket and it seems to have a hypnotizing effect on him.

Anyhow, he's my Bowie. Bowie Pants Wolverine [Lastname]. I think he's pretty fantastic. I know he's "only a cat" but I think he made my life better and I'm so very glad I have him. I think you'd like him, too. Even people who don't like cats tend to like Bowie. And I know a lot of people who have cats tend to say that about their cats but, seriously, I'm right. I mean, he sits on command and eats flowers and he's TWENTY FIVE POUNDS. C'mon. Anyhow, happy birthday to mah Bowie.
And thank YOU for bearing with this sappy cat adoration post-- I'd love to hear about your pets, should you wish to share.

Profiling Myself (Part 4: More Emails)

Here are a couple more choice emails from potential online suitors! Keep in mind that these emails represent THE VERY FIRST CONTACT between us. Best foot forward and first impressions are forever and all that jazz.

This one, had the subject line "lol, seriously!" About what exactly, I have no idea:

 well,

in reading your profile, you seemed like someone with a lot of side-kick potential.

(i'm looking for someone who's prospective gf-material characterized by her wit and attitude, if you don't have that, feel free to look elsewhere :P )

so, are we snack compatible?

Which do you prefer: Pretzels, Pringles, or chocolate?

 
And this one which BOGGLES THE MIND:

Hi how are you? I wanted to let you know first off that I think you are absolutly beautiful. Your smile caught my eye. Well I wanted to send you an email because I would like the opportunity to get to know you a little bit better and see if we are possibly a good match. Let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 25 almost 26 year old man. Truthfully I am into almost anything. I love the outdoors, but I also enjoy staying in, cooking a nice dinner and watching a movie. I love sports, I grew up playing almost everything. I use to be a DJ so music and dancing are a huge passion of mine. Really I just like to have fun and enjoy my time with the people I care about. So when I told some of my friends I was going to use this web site they asked me why and I feel it is important to let others know as well. I am a very goal oriented person and I am working toward s my career goals each and every day. So because of this I don't have a ton of time to find the right person for me. Also I am over going out at night and trying to meet someone because I very rarely find someone that is looking for the same thing as me which is a relationship. I am looking to meet that person that I can spend the rest of my life with. I am a committed person and I pride myself in that. But anyway, I hope this is enough information to be a good ice breaker. But like I said, The first thing that caught my eye was your smile and just how beautiful you are. But after reading through your profile I began to become more and more attracted to you. You seem like a very interesting and fun person. I hope you feel the same way about me and I hear back from you so that we can get to know eachother better and see where it leads to.

This feels to me like one of those essays where you don't have quite enough to say but you are BY GOD going to make it to the page limit so you add a bunch of filler words and widen the margins. Someone should tell this dude about Courier New.

[Check out my profile here, my list of desirable characteristics here, and other emails here.]

Geography

One of my friends recently asked me if Tahoe was in Yosemite. She prefaced this by saying that she felt really stupid for not knowing it, but she's from the East Coast so I think it's a permissible mistake. I also have another friend from the East Coast who once referred to Northern California as "Upstate California."

Anyhow, I told her not to feel bad because, really, I don't think I could name half the states on the East Coast and I'm pretty sure that some of them might actually be imaginary. And then I told her that, no, actually Tahoe isn't a part of Yosemite-- it is its own place. Basically Tahoe is located right on the border of California and Nevada. You know how California is, like, spooning Nevada? Well Tahoe is right where Nevada's butt is resting on California's crotch.

(from Google Maps)

Crystal clear, am I right?

Are you single, married, or have children?

Oh jeez. I can't believe it. My high school reunion is coming up. MY TEN YEAR high school reunion. Gah. Just, GAH. I suppose I should have seen this coming since I am 27 after all. But but but... it totally snuck up on me and I'm not ready! Not that I'm dissatisfied with my life as it is or anything but my PLAN was to not so much attend my ten year high school reunion but to, like, stick my arm out my helicopter window and wave a hankercheif at it.

I guess I'll probably go. It should be, well, fascinating at least. I am curious to see what people have done with themselves. And there will be lots and lots of alcohol. In my flask.

But take a gander at the email I got from my class Reunion Committee:

Dear Classmates,
Tell us about what you're up to! Once a month, we'll send out short profiles from respondents.
Please hit reply to this email address and let us know:
1. Since graduations, which cities have you lived in?
2. Are you single, married, or have children?
3. When was the last time you were on campus?
4. What is your current occupation?
5. On a scale of 1-10 how much have you changed since 2000?
6. Any specific classmates or teachers you'd like to get back in touch with?

Thanks!
- Class of 2000 Reunion Committee

Oh, man alive. Seriously? Even ignoring the grammar there is just so much wrong here.
First of all, why wasn't I invited to be on this exclusive Reunion Committee? Was it because I hated high school? Also, how on earth did you people get my email address?

Also, does anyone really care about the last time I was on campus? I don't care about the last time anyone else was on campus, so I'm guessing no.

Also, why do we only care about my current occupation-- what about college or grad school or travels or, oh I don't know, everything else I've been doing FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS?

Also, on a scale of 1-10 how much have I changed? Well, what is 1 and what is 10?
 
Also, am I single, married, or have children? That's it? Those are my only options? What about people who are divorced or engaged or living with someone or in nunneries? Nevermind the numerous other ways there are to live one's life, I can either be single, married, OR HAVE CHILDREN.

Profiling Myself (Part 3: Emails)

So I wrote out my profile and I described what kind of guy I was hoping to find. And then I started checking out other people's profiles. It was fun! Kind of like online shopping-- this one's doesn't seem to be my style, this one's not my size, this one looks nice but I bet it wouldn't go with anything I already have....

Then I started getting emails. And I was actually pretty worried about the communication aspect of this-- since we are meeting each other ONLINE, I wondered how will I tell the normal guys apart from the weirdos and douches?

Well I got a couple of normal sounding emails. And then I started to get ones like this:

hi

Your long awaited search is over……for I am the man of your dreams.

The prophecy has been foretold…..at the Starbucks…… first, we get married…..and then……you’re bound to dream about me eventually……because after all…. I’m your spouse.

So retroactively speaking, I am the man of your dreams.

You’re moving a little fast for me though……you might start off by simply replying to this message.

I’m not sure what the Starbucks had to do with this prophecy, but I think we’re supposed to go there.

And this:

Hello thurr! 

You're pretty funny. We'd get along famously, we would. For some reason, that sounded really, really British in my head. You know, we have something in common. I too, am chock full of cliches. Sad, but true. Soooo feel free to peruse my shameless promotion...erm profile. If ya like what you see, maybe we can talk more :-)

And this:

Hi

Your profile name caight my attention bc of the roy part at the end*

My name is Roy.

So I got curious and looked.

Anyway everyone loves a nurse, or at least I do.

I see them as most women see firefighters

Anyway you seem interesting!

Hope to hear from ya

Roy

*I have no idea to what he is referring.


And this one, from "Bunzofsteel2010"


hey
your tattoos are hot

FROM BUNZOFSTEEL2010. Wow. I mean, there were plenty of ridiculous usernames on there-- ASoulmateSearcher, Clever1Dater, Manofurdreams-- but this dude took the cake. Bunzofsteel2010. Bunz. Of STEEL. Some of you were worried that my profile might inspire rather generic, uninteresting responses. Let me tell you, THAT was not the issue.

I can't believe I used to...

... wear a powder blue velour tracksuit.

... spend so much time on Myspace.

... not put most of my clothes in the dryer.

... go to an internship on Friday afternoons in LA (hello, traffic!).

... hate all vegetables.

... live in a building with bullet holes in the front door.

... go surfing at 6 am in Santa Cruz in the winter.

... drive across the street to Trader Joe's.

... put blonde highlights in my hair.

... not exercise at all.

... cry almost every single day.

... not like sushi.

... commute an hour each way in high school.

... not want a cell phone.

... shop at Walmart.

... go out wearing mini skirts and stripper heels. And a tiara. (I was a classy fifteen year old).

... drink 4 or 5 Pepsis a day.

... get queasy at the thought of blood.

... not have or want any plants in my home.

... go running without any music.

... let takeout food sit in my car overnight and then eat it.

... be ashamed of my big booty.


Update: Other people's "I can't believe I used to..." posts can be found at Miss Grace's Disgrace, A Little Crazy & a Lot of Love, and Life of a New Mommy. Play along and send me the link to yours, won't you?

Just Friends

I have a question, dear reader. Are you friends with your ex? And if so, why? And how close would you say you are? And how does that work, exactly?

I know that people do this-- they stay friends with people they've dated. Maybe they babysit for each other, maybe they do each other's taxes. They talk. They hang out.

This is a COMPLETELY FOREIGN CONCEPT TO ME.

I've never had the desire to stay friends after breaking up. I'm sure this has a lot to do with my dating track record. When someone treats me exceptionally badly and I've had enough, I'm not interested in grabbing coffee with them next week. You screwed me over? BUH BYE.

Sure I still talk to some of the guys I've dated but usually via texting or email and not on any kind of regular basis and I wouldn't necessarily call us "friends." I feel like there is a word I'm looking for to describe it that doesn't quite exist-- somewhere in between acquaintances and old friends.

But I know there are a lot of people who  feel differently about this than I do. And that's fine. Like I said, I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with your ex. I just don't get it.

So? Are you friends with your ex?

1. drink a dirty martini

I went to a cooking party on Saturday! The concept started as kind of a joke between Papasan5 and me about my nonexistent super awesome cooking skills. But then he totally called my bluff and invited me and Miss Grace, Ewokmama, and Uncola over to his house and promised that Momily would make bacon wrapped apricots (YES I SAID BACON WRAPPED APRICOTS). Miss Grace came down with the plague or something so she was unable to attend but the rest of us planned to bring ingredients and make something nummy to share.

Well, okay, most of us did that. I was supposed to bring some kind of appetizer which I procrastinated deciding upon until the last minute at which point I panicked and ended up bringing veggies, chips, and dip. Because that was the point of a cooking party, right? To eat store bought dip?

Anyhow, Papasan had also promised to make me a dirty martini so I could fulfill item 1 on my Life List. When I stepped into the kitchen, I knew these were my kind of people.

From Papasan I learned that when you are making a martini, first you break a glass (but not the one you are planning to use). Nothing makes guests feel welcome like squatting on the floor picking up shards of glass.

Then he QUIZZED ME. "So, what do you know about martinis?"
"Uh they come in a fancy glass and that they are pretty much only alcohol. And they have olives. And uh... they uh..."
"Have you ever had a martini?"
"No."
"Okay. Wow."

He also had a little helper.

And lo!

I gave it the old college try.

Hmmm.

"What do you think?"
"I think it's sweet and salty and VERY ALCOHOLIC."
"Yes."

Hats off to the bartender.

30 minutes later.... 

Something was very, very funny.

I can't remember what it was, maybe it was on the table.

"You have to eat the olive, or else it doesn't count."
"Kay!"

Conculsion: dinner parties are fun and dirty martinis are sweet and salty and very alcoholic. And probably dangerous.

You.

You are beautiful.

You are amazing.

You deserve the very best in life.

You are someone. You are anyone.

I wish I could hold you in my arms and protect you. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish you could see what I see.

No one can see what you see. No one can tell you he is bad or he is wrong or you should leave him. No one can know what is really happening in a relationship unless they are on the inside. But from the outside I can see you are hurting. I know. I have been there.

I was afraid. I was confused. I felt like I had to keep secrets. I felt like it was my responsibility to bend over backwards and make things work and keep everyone happy. I felt like the world I knew was about to come crashing down around me.

And it did. It came crashing down. And I faced it head-on and asked for help and made it out alive and well and strong and shining.

You don't have to make any decisions right now, but think about it.

Does he hurt you? Does he cut down your self esteem? Does he make you feel like you have to choose between him and your family or friends? Do you feel like you have to do whatever it takes to make it work? Have you given up a part of yourself? Have you done things you are not proud of? Have you broken promises to yourself? Are you waiting for him to become the person he promised he would be? Are you staying because you have invested so much time and energy already? Are you staying because you built a life together? Are you lying about him? Are you justifying his actions to yourself? Do you feel like you can't trust him? Do you think that you can't talk about it because people will judge you for staying with him?

I won't judge you for staying or for trying to make it work. Your life and your choices are your own and only you can know what is best for you.

But I will be here.

If you want to talk about it, I will listen.

If you want my advice, I will give it.

If you want to get out, I will be here. I will help you. When you decide that the only way to fix this situation is to let it shatter into a million pieces, I will help you pick up your life and put it back together.

I am here. For you. Because you are beautiful. And you are amazing.

You deserve the very best in life.

Profiling Myself (Part 2)

Want to know more about my online dating extravaganza? Okay! That was what I wrote about myself. Here is the section that talked about what I was looking for in a potential date.

Translation: I am incredibly picky but I don't want to seem too crazy and judgmental this early in the game. I'm looking for someone who is taller than me, enough so that I can wear heels. You don't have to be Catholic like me, but you should believe in something. I'm assuming that since you paid to join this dating web site that you HAVE A JOB. I'm looking for someone who doesn't already have kids but definitely wants them at some point. It would be great if you went to college but I'd like you not to care more about your school's football team than I do about my Trojans. Please don't smoke. Please don't confuse you're and your. Please don't be a douche or a Gemini.

the search continues

I'm still trying to find the perfect custard pie, which is #5 on my life list. Ordered this one at a restaurant last weekend and OMG isn't it CUTE?

It gets extra points for weeness.

And it was yummy. Yummier, I think, than the last one. But I'm still looking for one that has a more creamy texture and isn't quite as flan-like. To be continued....