Friday, December 2, 2011


Let's play a game. It's called Be Honest with Me. The rules are very simple: I ask you a question and you have to be honest with me, okay?
Now, take a look at this photo.
Tell me, what's your first impression? Does this look like a nice girl? Does this look like a fun girl? Does this look like an interesting girl? Or DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GIRL WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE PRECISE DIMENSIONS OF YOUR WANG?

Let me back up.

I recently joined one of those online dating sites, because I'm single now and BY GOD I'm going to MINGLE. I'm gonna mingle the hell out of this shit. I'm gonna mingle like it's 1999. Mingle.
Anyhow! I joined the site and so far it has been surprisingly positive experience. It's been a nice little bump for my self esteem, seeing the messages pour in. Most people seem relatively normal.
There are the random weirdish messages like this:
He is very sincere and single.
And this:
You're right! There is no point.

And then there are the exceptionally weird messages.
For some reason I seem to be attracting a disproportionate number of guys want to (a) see naked photos of me, (b) tell me about their tremendous wieners, or (c) both.

I exchanged a couple messages with a dude who seemed normalish, let's call him NewFriend1. He was from out of town but will soon be moving near SF, so he's looking to meet new people around here. Like I said, he SEEMED normal. Until he started instant messaging me.
He first told me a long-winded story about how he's originally from Canada, and lived in New Zealand for awhile, but he likes living in the US now because American women are way better than those in New Zealand, and would I like to know why? He was willing to talk about it, but it was kind of a personal story.
I said sure.
Yeah, he was really reluctant to divulge the 'problem' with New Zealand ladies.
NewFriend1 then proceeded to explain that he feels really self conscious about his shockingly big wiener. It has been really DIFFICULT for him because he'll get to know a girl and like her but then she'll get scared off by the BEAST IN HIS PANTS.
I tried to give him a chance to backpedal, explaining that, hey, this is the internet.

Yeah, I know I spelled accommodate wrong.
NewFriend1 explained again that he thought I was cute and he wanted to get to know me, but this has been such a problem in his life and he just had to get everything out on the table (figuratively speaking) right away, so he doesn't get hurt again. And by the way, he wondered, do I enjoy getting pounded?
Annnnd that was the end of NewFriend1.

Unfortunately, this has not been an isolated incident.
I got message from another dude, let's call him S-Wow.
I wrote back, even I was kinda on the fence, because, well, I'm a sucker for compliments. And I asked him a few questions like where he is from and what he is doing on the dating site, since his profile was pretty much bare.

He answered with this:
I would just like to point out that when S-Wow says 'more' photos, he is referring to more than what I already had on my profile-- I hadn't already SENT him photos or something. Just want that to be clear.
Anyhow, I didn't respond to that message, because I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DISCUSSING FELLATI0 WITH A STRANGER ON THE INTERNET. I feel like that should be obvious, but maybe it's a point I need to add to my guidelines.

Anyhow, I thought my interaction with S-Wow had ended, but a few days later as I was checking the site for new emails, he sent me an instant message.
I thought I made myself clear with "you're messaging the wrong lady." Apparently not.

I almost felt sorry for the dude when he said that he wanted to do something wild and crazy for the first time in his life. BUT THEN I REMEMBERED HE'S A SLEAZY INTERNET WEIRDO.
He doesn't even HAVE the biggets wang, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.
Men of the internet! Let me make myself VERY CLEAR. Unless I ask you specifically, you can assume I am NOT INTERESTED in knowing the size of you wang. Let's all get on the same page, here, FTLOG.