Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for

I'm an obsessive conversation/interaction re-hasher. I go over the things I said and the things I did and berate myself for the little mistakes I made.

The fact that I told my preceptor who loves golf how much I HATE golf. The fact that I bumped heads with an acquaintance when I tried to give her a hug. The fact that I forgot who I was waving to and accidentally blew kisses to a stranger. The fact that I compared my friend's baby's habit of wandering in circles to that of an Alzheimer's patient.

I go over and over little things like this and mutter conversations to myself in the car or the shower, reframing what I said and did and putting the RIGHT things in their place. I should have said this, I should have done that.

I chastise myself for being the way I am-- for saying what I say, for doing what I do. I scold myself for little mistakes or quirks that no one really cares about, that no one is paying attention to.

I need to cut it out and just accept that I'm never going to be PERFECT at interacting with others and that, really, nobody cares if I am or not.

I need to forgive myself for being me.