in a pot, not a pan

My 9 year old niece is very BUSY. She has a ton of interests and likes to do projects that often involve inventing or making something. She takes pieces of cardboard and bits and bobs she finds in the cupboards and makes them into little invented board games. This one time, about two years ago, she cracked open a whole bag of almonds from their shells and candy coated them with melted chocolate. All on her own. We didn’t know what she was up to until she came in from the backyard with a bag of shelled almonds and a hammer. This other time I was talking to her and she said “my pants ripped, so I had to sew them.” Sure enough, there was a crooked line of tiny stitches up one of her pant legs. I told my sister I was impressed and she said “Yeah, me too. I wasn’t even home.” So I guess what I’m saying is that once she gets and idea in her head she HAS TO DO IT. Anyhow, that’s not what this post is about, I just like those stories.

This one time my dad and I were hanging out with my 9 year old niece and she wanted to make lemonade. My parents happen to have a very prolific lemon tree so she got to work picking, cutting, and juicing lemons. Then she requested simple syrup because she knows that just regular old sugar won’t do. My dad volunteered to make it and I started looking up a recipe on my phone. My niece cut in with “Wait! Listen, here’s how you do it! You just take a certain amount of sugar and your own amount of water and you put it in a pot, not a pan, and then you cook it!”

My dad and I thought that was about the funniest thing ever, until my dad accidentally used confectioners’ sugar and burned it and then had to start all over again, but by that time my mom was home and she made the simple syrup WITHOUT MEASURING ANYTHING, which basically meant that my niece was totally RIGHT—she had SEEN my mom put a certain amount of sugar and her own amount of water in a pot, not a pan, and then cook it.

My sister (not, incidentally, this 9 year old niece’s mom) is one of those people who only ever wants cookbooks for her birthday and Christmas and spends hours in the kitchen trying and perfecting recipes. She’ll make things like homemade pot pie with homemade crust, or chicken tikka masala, or steak with twice baked potatoes and it’s all deliciously intimidating. “This recipe is so EASY,” she’ll say, zesting an orange while simultaneously stoving something and ovening something else.

I don’t like reading recipes or following recipes, or doing anything that involves more than about six steps, so I much prefer instructions like my niece’s simple syrup.

I’m not good at cooking. And I don’t like to cook. I don’t know why. I just DON’T.

Actually, I think it might go back to my feelings of inadequacy from this post. I guess… I kind of subconsciously (semi-consciously?) feel like if I don’t cook well and often enough, that I’m not doing it right and I just shouldn’t even bother. And it’s this sort of thinking that has resulted in 31 year old me to subsist primarily on buttered noodles, snacks, takeout, and an eclectic combination of whatever my current tastes are.

There was the tortilla soup phase. And the lentils with quinoa phase. The Israeli cous cous phase. And every once in awhile I get re-jazzed about getting farm fresh fruits and veggies delivered to my apartment and I’ll sign up again. For the first few boxes I’ll be all LOOK AT ME AND MY EGGPLANT HASH and OH NO BIG DEAL I’M JUST SAUTEEING SOME KALE LIKE A MFING BOSS. And then eventually I won’t cook it all up on the first day it arrives and I’ll have rhubarb and leeks spoiling in my fridge and the emotional weight of a thousand rotten dandelion greens on my shoulders.

I don’t have a solution. At work I sort of graze all day long- cheese, sliced meats, cut up veggies and dip, crackers, nuts. I also have recently decided not to let myself be hemmed in by this ‘time of day’ nonsense, because really who cares if I eat my leftover enchiladas at 10AM and then have a waffle for dinner? Nobody, that’s who. So leftovers or a bagel or nothing for breakfast, then grazing grazing grazing, and then something breakfasty (a waffle or eggs), buttered noodles, or takeout/snacks for dinner. Geez. When I write it out like that it looks terrible. But! Did I tell you I’ve cut back on soda on weekdays?

I’ve lived by myself for about 5 years now, so the majority of the food I prepare is just for me. And me doesn’t care whether I have a wholesome, made-with-love dinner or a glass of milk and a veggie roll sushi from the corner store. I just… I don’t want to go to all the trouble of making some big dinner if it dirties every pan in my home and the person eating it (me) doesn’t sufficiently appreciate it.

I would LIKE to have a couple of go-to recipes. Sometimes I do come home from work and I have nothing prepared and I’m out of eggs and milk and I don’t feel like eating noodles, so then I just have whatever I can scrounge up from my cupboards and it ends up being fairly pathetic. And what if, someday, it’s not just me eating the food I produce? I don’t envision myself becoming some domestic goddess or even a cooks-for-pleasure type person like my sister, because I’m just not going to. And if put to the task I CAN make food. I mean, I know how to put meats and vegetables into my oven and have them come out decently-tasting, and I can make my sister’s tortilla soup which is just this side of heaven, but I guess what I’m looking for is food that I can make easily and with only a couple of steps that will have the end result of looking something like a whole MEAL. Someone who can roast a chicken might roast that chicken and then make some rice vegetables to go with it. And I CAN do that, but it takes so LONG and it dirties so many DISHES and it’s just ME eating that it ends up feeling like too many steps and ugh, I’ll just have a waffle again.

Last week I made some pasta I like.

I don’t want to jinx it or get ahead of myself here, but I think, I THINK I have come up with something I might actually put into the rotation of Things I Cook, and actually keep it there.

Here’s whatcha do. I’m not including pictures because nobody really cares, right? Okay, so. Step 1. Buy some noodles and some red sauce and some alfredo sauce. The alfredo sauce should come in a smaller jar than the red sauce. Step 2. Cook the noodles (in a pot, not a pan). Step 3. Heat up the sauces both together. Step 4. Drain the noodles, pour some olive oil and the sauce mixture over the noodles. DONE. Delicious. Step 5. Duplicate and elaborate. No big deal but I totally added mushrooms and red peppers to the batch I made the other day and I FEEL like I could branch out to adding more veggies and also, say, chicken. It doesn’t so much change my day to day life (leftovers for breakfast, grazing grazing grazing, whatever for dinner), but it IS a food that I could prepare for another human person and they could eat it and be full and it doesn’t include any traditional breakfast foods or takeout or microwaving.  So here we are. I am 31 and I can now make a slightly more interesting pasta than plain buttered noodles, with the skill and instruction level of a 9 year old. PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME.

Best Tings

(My nephew pronounces things as "tings," which I find pwecious.)

I figured that instead of keeping everything in the survey, I might as well make separate posts for the things I REALLY want to talk about. So, the best things I have bought in the past year. They are, in no particular order: my Christmas tree, my Dr. Scholl’s Fast Flats, my nasal rinse bottle, Rubik’s Twist, and a maid service.

First, the nasal rinse bottle. Sometimes I get sick. And sometimes I get sinussy grossness that comes with being sick. And in the past I’ve managed this with hot tea, steamy showers, and feeling sorry for myself. There are people who swear by that Neti pot thing and it kind of scares me. I can’t get over the mental hurdle of POURING water up my nose. I feel like I would drown. So when I learned there was a squeeze bottle that used the same concept of flushing out one’s sinuses, I gave it a whirl. And it’s great! I love it! As much as one can love something that involves squirting warm salty water up one’s nose.

Getting a Christmas tree has really become an expense I can justify, even though I live alone. The cost and hassle and the feeling like I shouldn’t bother getting one because it’s just ME and what does anything matter is fully eclipsed by the fact that I HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE! HOORAY! CHRISTMAS TREE! It just kicks up my general mood and Christmas spirit and it looks so pretty in my house with all the lights and ornaments and it makes me HAPPY. So, sixty bucks for huge booster shot of happiness in the winter? Sold. 

Speaking of Christmas, let me tell you about the Rubik’s Twist! I had seen it before on a couple of Swistle’s gift idea lists and I always kind of thought meh, I don’t really LIKE Rubik’s cubes. And then when I saw it was more something you PLAYED with, I thought well then what’s the point? Oh how wrong I was. I have a bunch of nieces and nephews ranging from age 1.5 to 14 years and the majority of them are on the upper end of that age range. I feel like they are getting more difficult to shop for-- I can’t just Melissa and Doug everyone and call it a day. So I re-perused Swistle’s lists and ended up buying Rubik’s Twists for a couple of my nieces and nephews and they were SUCH A HIT that I ordered more of them so that we could reduce the household bickering (sometimes *I* wanted to play with one and NOBODY WOULD LET ME). Anyway, two thumbs up for the Rubik’s Twist. Who knew? (Swistle knew.)

Right before Christmas I went to Vegas (with the boyfriend (BOYFRIEND)) to watch my USC Trojans beat Fresno State the Royal Purple Bowl (Sidebar: remember when I called this blog Royal Jewels?). ANYWAY, Vegas involved a lot of partying in dainty high heels, and then jumping up and down at the football game and walking walking walking A LONG WAY (part of the way) back to our hotel afterward and then some walking down the strip just to walk some more for good measure. And so my feet, they did not want to wear my heels OR my boots anymore. We stopped in at Walgreens and I bought THESE:

They are some seriously awesome emergency flats. I wore them out that night and I kept exclaiming “I love these shoes, have I mentioned that?” Which, yes. I had mentioned it. I’ll be bringing them everywhere with me from now on because they fold up so tiny and cute in their wristlet that they basically take up NEGATIVE space in my bag.

And finally, maid service. A couple weeks after I had recovered from my little skin issue, my mom said to me “I’m thinking we should get someone into your apartment to, you know, really CLEAN it.” It sort of made me feel like my mom thought I caught Butt MRSA because I live in squalor and filth, but whatever! You want to hire a maid service to come clean my home? I won’t be fighting you on that. So they came the one time and then I decided to have them come back once a month because OMG having someone else clean my house is just the best thing ever. I CAN clean my home. I have the skills. But it won’t all be clean at the same time and I just don’t do things like dust the shelves or steam mop the floor. Not going to happen. And coming home from work to a clean apartment and a made bed is just delightful.

New Year

I think it’s pretty universal that people don’t tend to like blog posts about why someone hasn’t been blogging. But, whatever. This is my blog, and if a gal can’t be insufferable on her blog, then what? There's just nowhere left to be insufferable? Unacceptable. And actually now that I’m about to write it out it doesn’t seem like the long, obnoxious explanation I had in my head: Basically I could never figure out where to start so I just stopped starting. So here I am today because I’ve got to start somewhere with unclogging this bottleneck of words.

I’ve had this New Year’s survey in my drafts folder for… awhile. I just kept half assing answers and skipping ahead and then closing the computer in defeat. I guess I’m feeling more free-form this year.

Last year I felt totally cynical and just plain sad because 2012 had turned out so epically craptastic. So I spent a fair amount of New Year's Eve weeping and then picked myself up, had some champagne, and did my New Year’s Dip with my nieces and nephews to wash away 2012 and I was all set and ready to make a fresh start. Annnnd then I got BUTT MRSA. So I was like, what the hell, Universe? Why would you do this to me? But then I figured it out. You see, the Universe actually wants me to be on the LUNAR calendar. So New Year’s Eve was more of a formality for me, my ACTUAL year began on Feb 10, the year of the SNAKE. I’m listening, Universe. I’m picking up what you’re throwing down.

So. January 31 is coming up, which means I and my Lunar brethren will be turning the corner and welcoming in the Year of the Horse. (I already did my New Year’s Dip, because that’s a family tradition and I’m not going to mess with that timeline.)

Okay, so are we on the same page here? I'm finally going to post my survey, but it's actually not late because I'm on the Lunar calendar.

I’m just gonna cut out the ones I've been skipping over because BOTTLENECK.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I started suffering from insomnia, mostly related to horrifying nightmares. And as a result I started taking sleeping medication.
Possibly related to this I started liking coffee- caramel mocha frappuccinos to be exact. No, I will never be able to spell that correctly.

I took my niece and nephew on a trip all by me onesie. We visited my other sis and her kids in SoCal and then went to a USC football game. So much fun. And so much spoiling of my nieces and nephews.

I went to South Carolina to visit Sunny and got to do all sorts of fun southern activities and eat delicious things that were either fried or cheese, or fried and cheese. I did get stuck on a grounded plane for 6 hours while flying out there. Not the most fun day of my life.
Speaking of transportation woes, I also took a day-long bus ride from Oregon back to SF. My flight was cancelled because of the plane crash and, strangely, flights to and from tiny towns in Southern Oregon weren’t high on the priority list of getting rescheduled. I rented a car and drove part way, and then I took an 8 hour long bus ride back to SF. Well, actually. I got off the bus to use the bathroom in Oakland and it left without me, so ALMOST to SF.

I went on vacation with my entire family. All 18 of us.

I got MRSA and a needlestick. Thanks, healthcare profession. But I did also get my own office in our new building and got everything squared away for my prescribing license. So it evens out.

I joined Facebook. 

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 1- when I was so so SO happy that 2012 was FINALLY OVER.

February 10- Lunar New Year, when I realized that the Universe actually wants me on the lunar calendar, because that’s when things started to turn around.
February 13- Galentine’s Day, which I have decided to start celebrating.

July 19- the day my clinic moved and also the day I was SUPPOSED to go on another trip to Central America with 0peration Rainb0w, with my dad AND my sister who is also a nurse. I asked for the time off MONTHS in advance, but I ended up not being able to go because my clinic moved. So that week was extremely busy and also infuriating.
July 26- my birthday, which I didn’t get off from work because of the aforementioned clinic move. This has inspired me to ALWAYS take my birthday off from work. Because nobody cares it’s your birthday except you! It was actually not SO bad because it was a Friday and my mom took me to lunch and my boyfriend (BOYFRIEND) sent me flowers. July 26 is ALSO the day when boyfriend and I became, like, official and whatnot.
[This sentence is just a filler so there is something between the previous item and the next one. These two dates are too close together for my liking.]

The weekend after my birthday weekend- will forever be remembered as my rapeiversary. August 5 to be exact, but for some reason the weekend, not just that day, gave me a lot of anxiety.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finishing trauma counseling. I can't believe how difficult and amazing it turned out to be.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

Wendy Davis

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Jerky dudes. Jerky dude politicians.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, student loans, car repairs, my cat's extensive dental surgery.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Vacations. Football season. Christmas.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Angst and obsess.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Um. Amazingly, yes. Who saw that coming? NOT ME.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Parks and Rec, Chopped, Dance Moms, Sister Wives, Monk, House Hunters. Yikes, that’s a lot of reality TV.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
 No.

24. What was the best book you read?
The Rook, Divergent

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
There was this one morning when I got up and plugged in my speakers and discovered that my computer had been playing Thrift Shop on a loop for 24 hours.
That's 885 plays.
I have since adopted it as a unit of time. 885 macklemores = 1 day. So there are 37 macklemores in an hour. Okay? Good. Glad you're coming with me on this.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Now You See Me, Catching Fire, Pitch Perfect, Frozen

32. What kept you sane?
Vacations, medication, treats, caramel mocha fraps, texting, reading, hot baths, my friends, doing good deeds, twittah, shopping, my job, going out, staying in, bad reality TV, liquor, inappropriate jokes, my family, trauma counseling, going out of my way for other people.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jennifer Lawrence.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Marriage equality. Women's rights. Human rights.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. 
Staying in is a perfectly reasonable and lovely thing to do.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Pin-interest

Have you ever watched Extreme Couponing? I watched a season of it on Netflix and found it mesmerizing. People have so much dedication to their systems, it's kind of amazing. They plan and tally and work the system and manage to end up spending only a few bucks on carts and carts worth of stuff! And I admire it, even though the things they buy don't always make sense to me. I don't, for instance, understand why one would need sixty bottles of mustard (or, like, even TWO bottles of mustard. Mustard isn't that good and it kind of lasts forever). What I'm saying is that it looks like a satisfying thing to be good at. I don't have the desire or storage space necessary to buy hundreds of bottles of laundry detergent and chicken fingers, but I sure WOULD like to be able to march into a grocery store or Target and buy the things I actually need and only have to spend four dollars. I'd like to coupon, but without having to spend the sixty hours a week looking up internet coupons and stealing newspapers.
Um. Anyway the purpose of that whole paragraph was to explain: there are some things I just want to be good at without actually having to work at and learn it. It's why learning to sew on a sewing machine is still untouched at #13 on my Life Scavenger Hunt even though I got a sewing machine a couple years ago. I read the instruction manual and learned how to thread the thing and sewed a few crooked lines of stitches into an old pair of underpants, but now I just want to go straight to being able to whip up complicated quilts and whimsical stuffed animals. (I was also very disappointed to learn how much IRONING is involved in sewing.)


So. I would like to be good at some things (not EVERY thing) without having to work at it. DIY home improvement is something I'd like to be good at, but I hate reading instructions and also I don't have a workroom or, like, a basic understanding of tools and construction. I can daydream all I want about creating a built-in wall of shelves behind my bed but it just isn't going to happen. For the present time I tend to stick to smaller-scale projects and even they can sometimes turn out disastrous.

I saw this idea at a friend's house the first time, and I thought it was brilliant-- an extra shower curtain rod against the wall of your shower for all the miscellaneous crap that would otherwise be cluttering up the ledges of the bathtub! Apparently it was such a good idea that it had even made Pin-interest (what my mom calls Pinterest). Examples here and here.

The idea looked easy enough, so I gave it a go:

Ta da!

I bought a shower curtain rod at Bed Bath and Beyond and then picked up some cute pink and white plastic baskets at the Japanese variety store (it's like a dollar store with bento boxes). It was a bit of a challenge getting the baskets on there and then hoisting the whole thing into the shower and sproinging it out to secure to the walls, but I did it.
And it came out perfect!

Two hours later:

*crash*

Yeah... it fell down. And then I put it back up. And it fell down again the next day. And then I had someone stronger than me (anyone is stronger than me, but in this case it was boyfriend) put it up. And it fell down again. I gave up, pulled the baskets off the shower rod, and distributed them within the bathroom as freestanding stuff-holding receptacles. I won't tell you what I did with the shower rod (nothing. It's still in the bathroom, leaning against the wall).
My first pin-interest project? Nailed it.

Potpourri

I bought so much felt food today that I could almost host a felt dinner party!
That was the sentence that I wanted to start this post with in order to explain that, hey everyone, I bought a whole bunch of felt food today that I'll be giving to my nieces for Christmas. But then I realized that's... pretty much it.

---

I don't know how to tell this story without making myself sound lame and incompetent, but here it is anyhow: I got a needlestick last week. We had a patient come in who was having knee pain so the doctor decided we should aspirate the fluid from the joint. I was all sterile techniquing and prepping the area and whatnot and then the doctor handed me the (sterile) needle and the (sterile and empty) syringe and said "Okay now you have to make sure that the needle is on really tight because if you have an air pocket you won't get any fluid when you pull back." So I diligently grasped the needle and the syringe, attached them together, and then gave them a good twist to make sure they were nice and tightly fitted together.
And then my hand slipped and the cap came off and the needle jabbed THROUGH MY THUMB and into my palm and all of a sudden I was standing there with a bare needle in one hand and a handful of blood in the other and it was all just a crappy week from that point on.

---

I was driving yesterday and I said to my boyfriend (yep, boyfriend. I'll have to tell you more about him later!) "Hey, I think that's the pawn shop where I sold some of my jewelry." And he said "Well, that's kind of sad." And I've been thinking about it and I guess it is sort of sad. Except for it was a couple of years ago and it wasn't any, like, heirloom or something from my parents. It was actually just some jewelry from an ex. I didn't wear it and I needed the money so I sold it and I don't regret doing so.
This has gotten me thinking about a couple other things. Ex boyfriend KC painted me a picture of my cat for Christmas a couple years ago and then got it all fancy framed for me. Which, at the time was nice except that it wasn't a surprise since he painted it in my apartment and also I later found out that back when he was with his ex girlfriend he had painted a picture of her cat and presented it to her as a gift and also that her painting included a love note written on the back. I wasn't sure which one to be more upset about at the time-- the fact that that mine did not include a love note or the fact that the painting itself was a RECYCLED GIFT IDEA. But I digress.
Anyhow I still have the thing, it's sitting in my storage locker and I'm not sure what to do with it. I'm not going to give it back to KC, who I haven't seen or talked to in two years. I'm not going to give it to the Goodwill because I don't want someone to buy it and have a portrait of MY cat in their house, but I also don't want to throw it away because it's of my CAT and if I'm superstitious at all (which I am) I feel like that might invite bad karma onto him or something. It's also not the best painting of a cat you may have ever seen-- he took a photo of Bowie and then enlarged it, and then traced it on a canvas and then sharpied a grid and used the grid as a guide for where to paint the colors, which means that you can see a grid in the background of the painting.
Relatedlyish, there was a dude I dated for a little bit who brought me a painting of a bicycle and then asked me to shave his back. I actually like the painting-- it is of an old-timey bicycle with, y'know, the HUGE front wheel. So I like it because it's quirky and looks like something I might have picked out for myself and I thought I might just be able to forget about the guy and his odd body hair request, but... Okay no. I just decided that I'm not going to keep it. Okay, is anybody in the market for a portrait of my cat and a painting of a bicycle?
I feel like I should circle back around here and point out that current boyfriend is a good gift-giver. He's also nice to me. Smiley face, etc.

---

I started taking my nieces and nephew to the flea market which is a win-win because I get to hang out with them and I also get to go to the flea market. At first they were shy to talk to the booth owners but now they're total pros, "How much is this? Oh fifteen dollars you say? I'll give you eight." I STILL sometimes get flustered and embarrassed when I try to haggle "Twenty dollars? Ummmmmm. Yeah okay. Here. [Runs away]", so it looks like this is yet another way that my nieces and nephews are cooler than I will ever be.

---

Whenever my dad goes to Starbucks for my mom he says his name is "Pete" in the hopes that someday someone will call out "Pete's coffee!"

Target Practice

Things I like about the new Target betwixt my work and home:
- There is a new Target on my way home from work
- It's NEW and it's TARGET and it's equidistant from my work and my home
- I could stop at Target on my way home from work
- I've been there twice now and both times they handed out $10 coupons at the register
- Tonight I bought a gift bag, which I hate buying. But it was only $1.43. (Did you know how expensive gift bags can be? The full priced ones of the same size as the one I bought were in the SIX DOLLAR range. For a thing that's meant to be the outer shell of a present!)
- Free parking
- I stopped at Target on my way home from work

Things I did not like about tonight's experience at the new Target betwixt my work and home:
- The guy in the Lady Items aisle where his girlfriend was trying to pick out the thing she needed and he was making fun of her and LAUGHING AT HER for being so picky and spending more money on the brand she liked. Oh, you think it's all a big joke, do ya, homeboy? You think it's silly for women to have PREFERENCES about those type of things that go in that very intimate, specific area? Oh, they all look the same to you, do they? I guess you'd know ALL ABOUT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THIS, wouldn't you? Asshat. (Perhaps I was also so irritated with him for the very same reason I was in that aisle to begin with.)
- Falling up the stairs on the way to my car.
- The couple blocking the entire stairwell right after I fell and picked myself up. I thought they were making out at first (which I actually wouldn't have minded because, yeah, go for it) but it turned out that she was just shielding his face from the wind as he lit his cigarette. DO THAT ON YOUR OWN TIME, JERKS.
- The fact that other people seem to shop in this Target as well.

Whatever, I don't even care. There's a new Target! On my way home from work! My commute just got waaayyy better. But if this space isn't for me to air my grievances then what is it, really?

110. go on vacation with my whole family

Well this is a little (a lot) belated, but I've been accomplishing some things from my Life Scavenger Hunt so I figured maybe I should blog again, like, EVER.
Anyhow. This past summer my parents celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. They decided to go to Hawaii. And then they made the mistake awesome decision to invite all of their children and grandchildren on the trip!
That was a total of 18 people.
Nine children and nine adults (three children plus their spouses, plus one daughter who is single (one of these things is not like the other and will potentially be a spinster forever no big deal)).
ANYHOW.
It was really fun.

We swam and snorkeled* and lounged and ate shave ice and celebrated two birthdays and drank fancy tropical drinkies and ate yummy foods and swam and swam and swam and hung out all together and it was just the best.

*I have learned that snorkeling is not an activity I enjoy. I can't breathe well enough through the snorkel so I'm constantly hyperventilating and getting water up my nose and listening to my own noisy breathing is SCARY SOUNDING. So I invented a new way to do it called GOGGLING. Basically I just wear goggles and swim underwater for as long as I can hold my breath and then resurface and I feel like a beautiful mermaid.
(My nephew: "Why are you weawing dose, Auntie Julia?"
Me: "Oh, I like this better than snorkels and masks because the mask always fills up water and the snorkel makes me feel like I'm going to die."
My nephew: "The mask doesn't fill up with wawter. And the snowkel makes you feel like you're going to live.")     

Potpourri

You know what I don't understand? Those newfangled car key doodles that are not actual keys but instead electronic fancy car remote thingies. What... why? I have a whole list of reasons I don't like or understand them: They're expensive. You can get a key made for a couple bucks, but those stupid electronic NON KEYS cost a couple hundred. Oh, and water ruins them. And what if you forget them somewhere, which is much easier to do since you don't actually have to get them out of your pocket to unlock the car, start it, or exit it. What if you're locked out? Exactly whom does AAA send for you, because I feel like it wouldn't be a locksmith.

---

The last guy I dated told me that one of the reasons he didn't want to date me anymore was that he wanted to be the funny one in the relationship. I had decided to end things, but that was his parting sentiment to me. Great.

---

Today I learned and performed the Dix-Hallpike test and Epley maneuver on a patient with vertigo. It's a way to diagnose vertigo and then to treat it. It's super weird because maneuvering the person around with their head and body in certain positions ACTUALLY does help vertigo. I know that it's supposedly science or physics or whatever, but it really seems like the maneuvers are sorcery. Which, given the names, I'm semi convinced they are.

---

This past weekend I spent a lot of time with my sister. Communicating with my sister is like... Well. It's like communicating with my sister. If you ask her a direct question she might answer, or she might answer a totally unrelated question (Me: "Hey when are you buying your ticket for the 4th?" Sis: "I don't have diabetes!"), or she might just NOT ANSWER AT ALL. And you know she heard you. And it's not out of malice, it's just... how she is.

She will often tell you only part of the story and assume that you already knew the rest. I am constantly getting texts from her that read like we were in the middle of a conversation.
Sis: IV fluids.
Me: What? Who is getting IV fluids? What's going on?

This weekend she tried to tell me a story, but I got all hung up on what she apparently thought was a minor detail.
Sis: So I was walking home and I caught a snake right over there. And it was so weird it-
Me: Wait, what? You caught a snake?  How?
Sis: I was just walking and I saw a snake on the sidewalk, so I grabbed it. Anyhow, it-
Me: Why did you catch a snake?
Sis: To show it to the kids.
Me: Wait. You saw a snake and so you GRABBED IT?
Sis: Yes. Anyhow, it was so weird when we let it go in the yard it slithered all the way from the rocks to the bushes.

In case of emergency

So. It has been awhile. I have a no sleeping and horrible nightmares saga to tell you about but that can wait.
Okay, I just wrote a whole long-winded paragraph here about how PRECISELY I came up with the idea, but let me just streamline that into: My sister mentioned that she wanted a Swiss Army knife to keep in her car. So, for Christmas, instead of just giving her the knife, I put together an Emergency Car Kit for her. It was really fun to make and she loved it, so it was a very satisfying present.
Since then I have made emergency car kits for a few other people. It makes a really awesome gift, if you're someone who tends to go a bit overboard for gift giving.

Let's go through the process. First, you get a bin. You'll want to get it at Target because you'll also be needing other things at Target. Then, you put things in the bin. And then you give that bin to somebody, or you keep it for yourself and put it in your car.

Here is an example of an emergency car kit. It just happens to be MY emergency car kit.

Photo 1: Jeans, black lounge pants, a long sleevie shirt, an undertank, a short sleevie shirt, flippity flops, socks, undies, dress, hoodie. All artfully flang over my chair.

Photo 2: Fingerless gloves, fingerfull gloves, work gloves (I didn't realize I had put so many pairs of gloves in there until I was taking the pic), poncho, umbrella, sunscreen, tissues, flashlight, lint roller, rope.

Photo 3: Gross yellow Gatorade (selected to make sure that I will only drink if it is an actual thirst emergency), various undesirable snackies, vodka, 5 hour energy drink, baby wipes, extra glasses, sunglasses, miscellaneous case containing phone charger, earbuds, lighter, one birthday candle. Just in case.

Photo 4: Here we have some items that go into two cosmetic pouches. In the Chanel pouch (purchased from a thrift store)- hairbursh, earplugs, razor, toothpaste, toothbrush, tampons, cotton balls, Q tips, conditioner, floss, chapstick, condoms (hey, we don't know what sort of emergency might come up). In the little black pouch- bobby pins (or, as I like to call them, Robert pins), sparkles, hair goo, lotion, eyeshadow, nail clippers, hairbands, mascara, eyeliner, perfume.

Photo 5: Packing it all up.... At the last minute I also threw in a notepad and a tarp. Because, well, I had a notepad and a tarp.

Photo 6: Now, this is the mini/satellite emergency car kit that lives in the FRONT of my car. This one contains some tinier things and also essential items that I might need to use more often than what is in the main car kit.

Photo 7: The items in the mini front seat emergency car kit. Flip & Tumble bag, wee notebook, matches, gum, sunscreen, handsatizer (that's what my nephew calls it) spray, alcohol swabs, chapstick, lens cloth, little pouch containing tampons and Robert pins, lotion, tissues, pill box with various meds, salt, pens, and a Sharpie. Not pictured and I'm not sure why- whistle.

Photo 8: And here we have everything neatly packaged into these two bins. Oh, I also added a sweatshirt to the big bin, which is what you see on top. I had room and I tend to get cold.

I feel like I should also mention that as a nurse I have a separate box in my car that contains things like bandaids, scissors, antiseptic, tape, and gauze. Oh, and a face mask for giving CPR. I'm not going back down to my car to get and photograph those things, you'll just have to use your imagination.
I also keep bandaids in my wallet (just like my dad), snacks in my purse, chapstick in just about every bag I own, and pepper spray and a window breaker/seatbelt cutter attached to my keychain.
Things I want to add to my emergency car kit: flares, emergency blanket, book, snake bite kit, hat, safety pins. Man, I could just keep going.
What might go into your emergency car kit?

A Worrisome Bump

Less than two weeks into this brand new year for which I had such sky high hopes, I developed something worrisome on a rather worrisome area.
You should probably stop reading this if you'd like to be sexually attracted to me ever in the future. Oh, no takers? FINE THEN, CARRY ON.

It was a bump. A worrisome bump on my behind.

A worrisome bump on my behind that HURT like hell. I noticed it late one night, but I decided to, y'know, wait and see how it looked in the morning because it'll probably be fine and come ON, Universe, you can't possibly be serious with this bullshit.

And then the next morning the bump was bigger and also more painful. I limped to the bathroom and examined it in the mirror all contorted-like, as one might when trying to examine one's own tush. In the mirror I could plainly see that my right arse cheek had turned an angry bright red color.

So... yikes.

I decided to throw modesty to the wind and hauled my painful hiney over to Urgent Care where I was told that my worrisome bump was actually a worrisome ABSCESS on my butt cheek that needed to be incised and drained right now RIGHTNOW.

And that is how I found myself lying facedown on an exam table with my ASS ON FULL DISPLAY.

The (very kind and professional) doctor incised and drained the abscess and covered it with gauze, while the (very nice and understanding) medical assistant told me they saw things like this all the time. They sent me on my way with some painkillers and heavy hitter antibiotics.

The next day, I found out the culture of my abscess had grown MRSA. Because, why the hell not? Of course 2013 started out with a nice case of BUTT MRSA. Of course.
I really don't know how I got it. I have excellent hygiene and I'm persnickety about hand washing. I work in healthcare, but not in a hospital. I do wound care, but it's not like I ever touch my patients AND THEN TOUCH MY BUTT. So I dunno. Perhaps it was from a toilet seat. Which makes me feel like, okay, I guess I can't ever sit on a one ever again, even with the flimsy paper guard. And I definitely feel like I'm FOREVER UNCLEAN.

The doctor emailed me the "decontamination guidelines" and I had to go back to the pharmacy for some special nose cream and fancy body cleanser. Then I had to call my supervisor and go on mandatory sick leave. And then I had to set fire to wash all of my towels and clothing.

Everything's fine. I'm fine. The abscess has healed, the pain is gone, and I'm done with my antibiotics and my decontamination process.

But, MRSA!
BUTT MRSA!

I just don't even. So, 2013, that's how it's going to be, huh?

New Year 2012

Alternate title: Hey, Remember When I Thought 2012 Might be Awesome?
Alternate alternate title: Jump Up Your Own Ass and Die, 2012.

Well! It has been awhile. Turns out it's kind of hard to come up with a post to go after hey guys I was raped. I half wrote several drafts and saved them. There are lots of Meaningful Things I would like to talk about, but right now it feels more important to just get something out there and break the 2013 seal, know what I'm sayin?

So. Survey time....

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Took and passed my board exam and became a board certified Nurse Practitioner, got a job as a Nurse Practitioner, joined Instagram, had a sleepover with my niece at my apartment, rear ended another car, got all my Christmas shopping done before Christmas eve, rode the metro in LA, went to Kauai, started ordering something other than well drinks at bars.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I meant to write a new year's resolution post last year but then I didn't, so I don't recall what big resolutions I apparently made last year.
This year, my resolutions are generally to get out more often, to be more there for people, and to make a bigger deal out of other people's birthdays. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister! I have a wee niece! Lucky number seven!
And various other people I know less well. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Well... no. But I work with the elderly population so a lot of our patients have died. We sign many sympathy cards in our office.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just this one. 

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Peace. 

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 9, the day I passed my board exam.
March 12, the day I started my job.
June 19, my new niece's birthday.
August 5, the day I was raped.
September 23, the day of my police interview.
December 31, the day 2012 ended. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Passing my board exam. Getting my job. Making it through my police interview. Surviving to 2013.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My love life. There are no good guys left. I've done the leg work, people.
I've learned a lot about being independent this year. I mean, I CAN get all my own groceries and heavy items into my apartment. I CAN purchase, transport, and set up my own Christmas tree, I CAN get myself to and from the airport, I CAN check my car's fluids and schedule its maintenance, I CAN sleep alone, I CAN go to a wedding by myself. I can live without the love and support of a partner. But that doesn't mean it's easy or that I WANT to. Being single is fine and all, but it's not my first choice and that's no big secret.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I think we've covered this. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
In term of a happiness to dollars spent ratio, I would say my Christmas tree was my best investment. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh goodness. Where to start? My family, who has showed me unyielding support. My friends, who went above and beyond to be there for me over and over again. Jenny and Briya who held and comforted me after my rape. Amber, Lora, and Molly who stayed up with me that night and helped me get up and out the door the next morning. Leah who told me where to go for my rape kit. Jessica who brought me to and from the hospital and stayed with me for several days. Every single person who said something kind or encouraging to me or who sent me a letter or an email or a care package or a direct message or a text or a tweet. Strangers who have contacted me and told me I am brave and strong, because I don't feel brave or strong. My trauma counselor and my legal advocate. People who answer my insomniac middle of the night texts. People who forgive me for being a mess or having a meltdown or an angry outburst. My parents for being there for me, even when it's hard for them. All the children in my life who make me smile. My coworkers for creating a great work environment and choosing me to join it. The person who found my credit card and turned it into the gas station so I could get it back.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The guy who raped me. Guys who lied to me. Guys who lied to my friends. The guy who thinks I deserved what happened to me. The guy who asked me what I did to bring upon what happened to me so he could warn other girls not to do it. The guy who emotionally abused and manipulated my friend and then tried to turn it around on her and blame everyone else for his behavior. The doctor at the hospital who made me cry. The police officer who asked what I was wearing and if I was flirting and what other substances I had been on and why didn't I scream and if I'm a "risk taker" and if I "do this often." The therapist who told me that maybe my rapist didn't mean to rape me.
The guy who asked me after I was raped if I wanted to have sex.

So, guys in general and guys in specific.


14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, student loans.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Getting my job, getting a paycheck, vacations, the Olympics, neat finds at the flea market, holidays, visits from friends, watching football, giving presents, drinkiepies, sleepovers, my new baby niece, 2012 ending.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

This version specifically.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Probably the same
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Helped others in the way that so many people helped me this year. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Feeling bad about myself. Blaming myself. Being hard on myself. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents' house, surrounded by family. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen for me again. 

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Parks and Rec, The League, Gossip Girl. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yes. 

24. What was the best book you read?
Days of Blood and Starlight, Bitterblue, Unwind, Ready Player One. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I know all the lyrics to Get Money.  

26. What did you want and get?
An awesome job that I love, an iphone, fancy heirloom jewelry, lounge pants, quality time with friends and family. 

27. What did you want and not get?
A trip to visit D in Oregon. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hunger Games. 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned the big three oh. On my actual birthday I went to work and brought treats (cherries and candied maple walnuts). After work I went straight to the airport, planning to visit my sister and her family for the weekend. My flight was delayed three hours so I spent the last few hours of 29 getting drunk at the airport bar and the last few moments of 29 asleep with my face against the seat in front of me on the plane. Then my sister picked me up at the airport and her car broke down on the freeway. We waited for AAA with semis whooshing by us on a blind turn.

The weekend before my birthday I had a family party with a ping pong tournament and fireworks. And my favorite kind of cake-- yellow box cake with chocolate canned frosting.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
My dad not getting sick. My Trojans having a better season.
Oh, and NOT GETTING RAPED MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE.


31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Work: Business casual heavily featuring dresses and leggings.
Other: All lounge pants all the time.

32. What kept you sane?
This question implies that I STAYED SANE and I'd say the jury's still out on that one....
My friends. Medication. Texting. Reading. Taking walks during my lunch hour at work. Giving gifts. Donating toys for the tots. Twitter. Shopping. Hot baths. My job. Buying my lunches. Therapy. Relaxation techniques. Soothing baubles. Trashy TV. Care packages. Kind words. My family. Holding babies. Liquor. Inappropriate jokes.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
The USC Drum Major. I know he's too young for me! But he's cute! And he has a sword!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
All that rape stuff.
Women's rights.
The election.

35. Who did you miss?
The gals from school, especially D and Sunny.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My tiny new niece! An actual NEW person.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
Knowing when I need to ask for help and from whom I can ask it is actually a skill and a good thing, not necessarily a weakness. People are here and willing to help me if I ask, and often even if I don't.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I'll be there for you-ou-ou, as the world falls down.

---

I spent New Year's Eve at my parents' house with my family. We had lots of champagne and our traditional Chinese food dinner and we played a fun charades game with my nieces and nephews. Then, the kids all decided they wanted to do their New Year's Dip that night. I haven't participated in a family traditional New Year's Dip in many years, but my 12 year old niece convinced me to do it because she said "It's to wash away 2012!"

Oh. Well then. GAME ON.

Annnd....

Leap!

I washed away 2012.

Be good to me, 2013. I'm counting on you.

Leap

Here is my story....



A little over a month ago I went out for a fun night with my girlfriends.
I went out for a fun night with my girlfriends and I ended up being pulled into a dark room behind a bar where I was violently sexually assaulted.
There's another word for it.


Raped.


I was raped.


My friends and I got dressed up in sparkles and frills and went party-hopping. We gossiped. We laughed. We had a great time. We ended up at a local bar where we stayed for hours. We didn't notice the time passing; we were having too much fun.
Eventually we were the only people left in the bar. Eventually my friends went to the bathroom. Eventually it was just me and the bartender.
Eventually he kissed me.

And then he grabbed at me and I gasped in surprise and pain. He pulled me into that back room and violated me.

It all happened so fast, I don't even remember thinking. I do remember the blood.

It happened so fast that my friends didn't even know anything was wrong. I was gone for less than 15 minutes and came back bloody, disoriented, and hysterical. I called out for Jenny and Briya and they came to me, wide-eyed and horrified and asking what had happened. I shook my head and grabbed a wad of napkins and ran up the stairs to the street. We ended up at the deli, because that's where we had been planning to go, and because apparently when my brain shuts off one of my coping mechanisms is sticking to the original plan? I don't know. Anyhow. We sat in the deli and I intermittently cried and apologized for being so dramatic.

I actually have a photo of what I looked like after it happened. I made Jenny take it because I was in such disbelief that I needed something tangible to look at that correlated with how I felt.

We left the deli. I screamed and cried on the street corner. My friends held me. They asked me if I wanted to go to the police or the hospital. No, I shrieked, I just wanted to take a shower and catch our flight home.

Yes. I know you're not supposed to take a shower.

But it was the only thing I could possibly do. I felt dirty and angry and guilty and crying crying all the while crying. Plus, I think my friends realized that the only way I would go to the police or to the hospital or anything at all besides GETTING IN THE SHOWER would be if they forced me, and I'm pretty sure no one was in the mood to force me to do anything at that point.

We got back to the hotel room. I peeled off what was left of my clothes. Briya stayed in the bathroom while I showered. Jenny woke up Lora, Molly, and Amber, and rearranged the beds so that I had a space snuggled in the middle. I put on my jammies, got into bed, and announced to the room that I was sorry, but no one could go to sleep "You guys can't leave me. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME." And then I proceeded to have a meltdown. I was crying and shaking and wringing my hands and yanking my hair.

I couldn't calm down or sit still. I was beyond hysterical. I remember feeling so upset but also so horribly guilty. "You guys have to believe me, I'm not making this up!" I remember crying out over and over. None of them thought I was making it up. None of them accused me of lying or embellishing the truth. They held me and comforted me. But I still felt so ashamed. Like I had somehow gotten myself into that situation. Or, even worse, that it hadn't actually happened at all and I was just being dramatic or making things up in my imagination. I clutched my head and pulled my hair and tried to shake loose some internal THING that would make sense of all this.

Somehow I managed to get on a flight home. Somehow I drove back to my house. My friends convinced me to go to the hospital and figured out where I had to go. Jessica came with me. We waited for hours and hours. Both of our phones died. We played endless games of "I'm thinking of something" and flew my rape pamphlet around like a bird. We may have become a bit delirious at around hour four.

They finally took me upstairs where I had to tell my story and be examined.
I was given painkillers and antianxiety medications.
I was given STD prophylactic antibiotics.
I was also given antiretrovirals because there was so much blood they said there was no way to know if it was all mine. I had lots of blood tests. They're all fine, so far.



I spent the week curled up on my couch and snuggled in bed and eating whenever somebody brought me food.

I stopped sleeping.
I cried. Oh, how I cried.


I kept asking myself how this had happened, what I had done wrong.



I became irritable and angry and sad and had an incredibly short fuse. I had mean outbursts at my family members and friends. I collapsed into inconsolable tears because I dropped my new camera in the dirt. I lay on the floor crying crying incapable of getting up. I became angry at myself because why couldn't I fixate my feelings onto the THING that happened to me, why did I have to get upset about everything else? It felt like I was perpetually operating at maximum capacity and if there was A SINGLE THING MORE I would fall to pieces.


I went to therapy.

I started taking medication. To lengthen my fuse, so to speak.

I wrote vague tweets about how upset I was and sent tons of middle of the night texts.

I received care packages and notes and cards and texts and love love so much love.

Gradually, so gradually that I don't even know that I noticed it at the time, I started to heal.
I worked. I hung out with friends. I therapized and processed. I spent a lot of time in various hospitals.

I had my police interview a few days ago. It was horrible.
They asked me what I wore that night from my earrings down to my shoes. They asked my friends if I'm a risk taker and if I "do this often." They asked what substances I had been on. They asked when the last time I had had sex before the incident. They made me tell the story from the moment I decided to go on my trip until I stepped off the plane back home. Then tell it again. Then write a statement. They asked doubtful questions about how much blood I was describing.
I had to hand over my dress and bra from that night as evidence. My underwear was gone.
They asked details about the night. What time was this, what time was that, where were you this, did he do that, what were you thinking at the time, what were you thinking afterward, why didn't you scream for help?
I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember.
I don't. Remember.

I had NOT wanted to go to the police. I absolutely did not. My sister had to sit down and convince me to call them and afterwards I cried and yelled at her. "You can be mad at me," she had told me. "But you have to call the police." Oh, I was mad at her.
I told the police my story over the phone. And then I told them in person. It took every ounce of courage I could muster to sit in that windowless room and describe to two men what had happened to me. I cried. But I did it. I answered all of their questions as completely and openly and honestly as I could.
They told me that these cases are difficult; that they don't usually go anywhere. But they keep the reports on file because the more women who come forward, the stronger the evidence becomes. Then asked me about my menstrual cycle.


It was humiliating. This has all been humiliating. I feel so exposed (says the girl telling her story on the internet).


The thing is, I know I had probably the best of circumstances.
I had a supportive group of friends and witnesses who were willing to put their lives on hold and travel to testify. I had an advocate who agreed to work on a Saturday in order to be with me during the proceedings. I had a detective who was actually pretty nice and said things like "I'm on your side," and "You did the right thing coming forward."
Bigger than that, I have a life full of kind people. A loving, unwavering family. Kind, loyal, generous friends. The outpouring of love and support I have received these past few weeks has left me breathless at times.
And I STILL barely survived this. I barely AM surviving this.

I have had my share of people saying terrible things.
Was he cute? Were you flirting?
What were you wearing? Were you drunk?
How did you get into that situation? It couldn't have been in full view of the bar.
How did it happen? You must have liked him at some point.


As if any of that matters. As if something that I did made this happen.


In case any of you thought that victim-shaming was a thing of the past, I am here to tell you that it is alive and well!
Oh, I went out that night in a short skirt and got far too inebriated. I laughed and smiled and twirled my hair and flirted.
And after it happened I felt tremendously guilty. How had I let this happen? What had I done? Why didn't I push him away harder? Why didn't I fight more? What would people think of me? WHAT had even happened in that little room?

It has taken the unyielding support of my friends, the unwavering love and consistency of my family, therapy, medications, and meetings with advocates and counselors to help me realize:



I was raped. And it was not my fault.



I told my story to my therapist; she suggested that I do that so that I could have and emotional release and fixate my feelings onto the actual event and not on everything else.
I told my story to an advocate from a local organization; she helped me pick apart the things I was obsessing over and realize they didn't make the incident my fault.
I told my story to my friends, the ones who asked. And some who didn't.
I told parts of the story to my family, too much of it would be too painful for them.
I told my story to the police, as much as it took out of me.

And now I'm telling you.

I'm telling you because I think I might be strong enough to share it now.
And I'm telling you because how many women go through this? It breaks my heart to think of the ones who are alone, who don't have supportive friends or families, who are doubted and flat-out accused of lying when they tell their stories, who are shamed by police or medical professionals or even their friends.
I am telling you my story for me, because I want you to know me. And, not to get all cliche on you, but I'm also telling it for all women.
Because for all of us to take a step in this world, one of us has to leap.

Deep Breath

Here is where I take a deep breath and put some space between my last post and my next. Because what I am about to tell you will take a lot out of me.

I haven't signed on here in over a month. A lot has happened, though things look pretty much the same around here. I look pretty much the same. But I feel completely different.

I hope you will read with an open mind and a kind heart. I want to have the strength to tell you my story.

Because I'm going to. Soon.