Monday, January 21, 2013

New Year 2012

Alternate title: Hey, Remember When I Thought 2012 Might be Awesome?
Alternate alternate title: Jump Up Your Own Ass and Die, 2012.

Well! It has been awhile. Turns out it's kind of hard to come up with a post to go after hey guys I was raped. I half wrote several drafts and saved them. There are lots of Meaningful Things I would like to talk about, but right now it feels more important to just get something out there and break the 2013 seal, know what I'm sayin?

So. Survey time....

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Took and passed my board exam and became a board certified Nurse Practitioner, got a job as a Nurse Practitioner, joined Instagram, had a sleepover with my niece at my apartment, rear ended another car, got all my Christmas shopping done before Christmas eve, rode the metro in LA, went to Kauai, started ordering something other than well drinks at bars.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I meant to write a new year's resolution post last year but then I didn't, so I don't recall what big resolutions I apparently made last year.
This year, my resolutions are generally to get out more often, to be more there for people, and to make a bigger deal out of other people's birthdays. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister! I have a wee niece! Lucky number seven!
And various other people I know less well. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Well... no. But I work with the elderly population so a lot of our patients have died. We sign many sympathy cards in our office.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just this one. 

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 9, the day I passed my board exam.
March 12, the day I started my job.
June 19, my new niece's birthday.
August 5, the day I was raped.
September 23, the day of my police interview.
December 31, the day 2012 ended. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Passing my board exam. Getting my job. Making it through my police interview. Surviving to 2013.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My love life. There are no good guys left. I've done the leg work, people.
I've learned a lot about being independent this year. I mean, I CAN get all my own groceries and heavy items into my apartment. I CAN purchase, transport, and set up my own Christmas tree, I CAN get myself to and from the airport, I CAN check my car's fluids and schedule its maintenance, I CAN sleep alone, I CAN go to a wedding by myself. I can live without the love and support of a partner. But that doesn't mean it's easy or that I WANT to. Being single is fine and all, but it's not my first choice and that's no big secret.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I think we've covered this. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?
In term of a happiness to dollars spent ratio, I would say my Christmas tree was my best investment. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Oh goodness. Where to start? My family, who has showed me unyielding support. My friends, who went above and beyond to be there for me over and over again. Jenny and Briya who held and comforted me after my rape. Amber, Lora, and Molly who stayed up with me that night and helped me get up and out the door the next morning. Leah who told me where to go for my rape kit. Jessica who brought me to and from the hospital and stayed with me for several days. Every single person who said something kind or encouraging to me or who sent me a letter or an email or a care package or a direct message or a text or a tweet. Strangers who have contacted me and told me I am brave and strong, because I don't feel brave or strong. My trauma counselor and my legal advocate. People who answer my insomniac middle of the night texts. People who forgive me for being a mess or having a meltdown or an angry outburst. My parents for being there for me, even when it's hard for them. All the children in my life who make me smile. My coworkers for creating a great work environment and choosing me to join it. The person who found my credit card and turned it into the gas station so I could get it back.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The guy who raped me. Guys who lied to me. Guys who lied to my friends. The guy who thinks I deserved what happened to me. The guy who asked me what I did to bring upon what happened to me so he could warn other girls not to do it. The guy who emotionally abused and manipulated my friend and then tried to turn it around on her and blame everyone else for his behavior. The doctor at the hospital who made me cry. The police officer who asked what I was wearing and if I was flirting and what other substances I had been on and why didn't I scream and if I'm a "risk taker" and if I "do this often." The therapist who told me that maybe my rapist didn't mean to rape me.
The guy who asked me after I was raped if I wanted to have sex.
So, guys in general and guys in specific.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, student loans.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Getting my job, getting a paycheck, vacations, the Olympics, neat finds at the flea market, holidays, visits from friends, watching football, giving presents, drinkiepies, sleepovers, my new baby niece, 2012 ending.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

This version specifically.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Probably the same
c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Helped others in the way that so many people helped me this year. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Feeling bad about myself. Blaming myself. Being hard on myself. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents' house, surrounded by family. 

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No. I'm starting to wonder if that will ever happen for me again. 

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Parks and Rec, The League, Gossip Girl. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

24. What was the best book you read?
Days of Blood and Starlight, Bitterblue, Unwind, Ready Player One. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I know all the lyrics to Get Money.  

26. What did you want and get?
An awesome job that I love, an iphone, fancy heirloom jewelry, lounge pants, quality time with friends and family. 

27. What did you want and not get?
A trip to visit D in Oregon. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hunger Games. 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned the big three oh. On my actual birthday I went to work and brought treats (cherries and candied maple walnuts). After work I went straight to the airport, planning to visit my sister and her family for the weekend. My flight was delayed three hours so I spent the last few hours of 29 getting drunk at the airport bar and the last few moments of 29 asleep with my face against the seat in front of me on the plane. Then my sister picked me up at the airport and her car broke down on the freeway. We waited for AAA with semis whooshing by us on a blind turn.
The weekend before my birthday I had a family party with a ping pong tournament and fireworks. And my favorite kind of cake-- yellow box cake with chocolate canned frosting.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
My dad not getting sick. My Trojans having a better season.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Work: Business casual heavily featuring dresses and leggings.
Other: All lounge pants all the time.

32. What kept you sane?
This question implies that I STAYED SANE and I'd say the jury's still out on that one....
My friends. Medication. Texting. Reading. Taking walks during my lunch hour at work. Giving gifts. Donating toys for the tots. Twitter. Shopping. Hot baths. My job. Buying my lunches. Therapy. Relaxation techniques. Soothing baubles. Trashy TV. Care packages. Kind words. My family. Holding babies. Liquor. Inappropriate jokes.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
The USC Drum Major. I know he's too young for me! But he's cute! And he has a sword!

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
All that rape stuff.
Women's rights.
The election.

35. Who did you miss?
The gals from school, especially D and Sunny.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My tiny new niece! An actual NEW person.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
Knowing when I need to ask for help and from whom I can ask it is actually a skill and a good thing, not necessarily a weakness. People are here and willing to help me if I ask, and often even if I don't.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I'll be there for you-ou-ou, as the world falls down.


I spent New Year's Eve at my parents' house with my family. We had lots of champagne and our traditional Chinese food dinner and we played a fun charades game with my nieces and nephews. Then, the kids all decided they wanted to do their New Year's Dip that night. I haven't participated in a family traditional New Year's Dip in many years, but my 12 year old niece convinced me to do it because she said "It's to wash away 2012!"

Oh. Well then. GAME ON.

I washed away 2012.
Be good to me, 2013. I'm counting on you.