It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

It really is beautiful today. But I'm CRANKY.

Allow me to explain. What's that? You didn't ask? Well TOO BAD. This is ALL I HAVE FOR YOU TODAY.

Ahem.

My apartment building is situated very near... well, let's just say it's near a collection of very popular, trendy restaurants. These restaurants tend to be pretty happening sometimes and there can be large crowds of people around. It makes me very glad that I have a parking space in my building's garage because otherwise I would be spending a lot more time cursing and hollering than I already do. There are several parking garages near my street so the area around my building tends to get rather congested with both pedestrian and automobile traffic. And leaving or coming back to my neighborhood at certain times of the day or having people over can be a little tricky. Basically the situation is kind of annoying but, whatever, it's fine.

About a year ago the city repainted my street so that the two lanes became one lane plus a bike lane. That was kind of annoying but, whatever, it's fine.

About six months ago the building down the street started a large construction project. That was kind of annoying but, whatever, it's fine.

About a week ago I received a notice that a mobile food company has applied for a permit to park a food truck right outside my building. And that will be kind of ann OH HELL NO, MOTHASUCKAS.

When I look out my window I see traffic and confusion and pedestrians jaywalking across a busy street and bicycles zooming between cars and cones blocking off parts of the sidewalk and big construction vehicles taking up parking spaces and parts of the street. My garage entrance often gets partially or completely blocked and oh oh guess what? The food truck wants to park right next to my garage entrance! Because who cares about the people trying to see if cars or bicycles are whizzing by when they are turning onto the street? {Sarcastic Jazz Hands}

Apparently there is going to be a hearing at the courthouse about the food truck. I will probably go and I think it will be hard to voice my concerns as anything but "I'm sorry, but how could you even THINK about adding another element to this clusterfuck? COME ON."

Really, if all of those other variables weren't already in place I would probably welcome the food truck (or at least, not feel such firey rage against it). Obviously if I could have PICKED I would have chosen a food truck over months and months of dusty, loud construction. But I didn't get to pick and those other things already exist so, I'm sorry Mr. Food Truck but my displaced anger is getting saddled squarely onto your shoulders. I don't care if you are delicious, YOU HAVE BAD TIMING.*

*I think I may have just found my new catchphrase.

Hamburger Ranch

On the way back from camping, we stopped at this barbecue place that somebody had recommended. We hadn't really planned to stop for a full on lunch since we took off pretty soon after breakfast, but the guy had REALLY talked this place up and it was right on the way back to SF.

"Hey," I said to KC as we pulled out of the parking lot, "Should we stop at that place the dude told us about? What's it called, The Human Barbecue?"
"What? That's not the name."
"Well I know that's not the NAME. But I feel like it's something kind of like that..."
"Hang on, lemme think. It's called, um... Hamburger Ranch! Yeah let's stop there."

(I do that sometimes-- If I can't remember the name of a restaurant or store I'll just substitute something I think might be similar. Like "What's that place in the East Bay called? Harold and Juffey's?" or "I went to this awesome vintage store called Moondoggie's or something." But, I mean, that still doesn't totally explain why I thought this place was called THE HUMAN BARBECUE which sounds like a horror movie or death trap of some kind, doesn't it?)

Anyhow! We ordered the combo plate with a full rack or ribs plus brisket, mac n cheese, and baked beans to share. And it was OMG delicious. I like ribs but often feel like they're difficult to eat because you have to wrench the meat off the bones and it all gets stuck in your teeth and the sauce gets all over your hands and face and why don't they ever bring me enough napkins? But THESE ribs were, according to the menu, slow cooked for a long time and the meat was so tender you could cut it with a fork. Not that I actually wasted my time cutting it and I didn't even care about the sauce getting all over me-- with KC around I have to be a bit grabby of the food I actually want to make it into my mouth. The rest of the meal was great, too, but the ribs were definitely the star. We also enjoyed sitting outside in the shady patio, listening to the live band, and sippin on soda pops. KC's one complaint was that the spicy barbecue sauce wasn't hot enough for him. Pshh, whiner. And the total cost for two people so full they could hardly stagger back to their car and bicker over who had to drive the rest of the way home? $31.
Hamburger Ranch: two very-sticky-with-barbecue-sauce thumbs up.

fun fun fun weekend

Oh man I'm tired. Not really 'tired tired' but more like 'looking around my apartment with eyes at half-mast wondering where all this crap came from and where to put it all and OMG the laundry is spilling out of the basket and blocking the entire kitchen/hallway and I've already washed three loads of it and I still have to unpack the cooler and take my camping things and costume bins down to the storage room and I have to finish critiquing an article today and do my clinical log at some point and gah Bowie threw up in my beach glass....'

Anyhow. This weekend was REALLY FUN. I was happy to be out of the city and in an area with open spaces/trees. And then I arrived at the campground and spent the weekend having picnics, swimming, lounging, listening to fantastic live music, and wearing costumes. Basically a bunch of my favorite things to do all in one weekend: FUN.

Here are the things I ended up packing. I'm posting this because I'd like to have it written down somewhere and also I've never been what might be considered a 'light' or 'efficient' packer-- I usually tend to bring OPTIONS of different outfits, even if I'm just going somewhere overnight-- but THIS time I actually did a pretty efficient job of packing. It was still a ridiculous amount of stuff, but there were only a very few things we didn't end up needing/wanting.

Camping things
- tent
- sleeping bags, blankies, pillows- last year I was FREEZING at night but this year I was actually okay, probably due to the combination of the different camp site, sleeping bags, and this blanket.
- air mattress- the one I ended up getting was kind of ridiculous because it was so high up it looked like a full sized bed. But it was the first air mattress I've slept on that was actually comfortable.
- bug repellent lotion
- sunscreen lotion- spray things tend to bother other people.
- flashlight

Clothes and such
- 1 skirt- I felt like maybe I should have brought more than one after I spilled coconut milk goo on it while I was helping out in the kitchen but, meh, camping.
- 4 pairs of pants (capri lounge pants, regular lounge pants, sweatpants, purple leggings). I should have skipped the sweatpants but, again, I was anticipating being COLD at night. Also, I generally don't like the idea of wearing regular clothes as jammies but I neglected to remember that when I'm camping I ALREADY feel/am grungy so wearing my clothes to bed probably isn't any more gross.
- 4 shirts
- 2 undertanks
- socks, underoos- I was particularly happy I brought THESE:

Toe socks! For wearing to bed and getting up in the middle of the night to pee and stepping out of the tent and into my flip flops with ease!

- swimsuit, towel
- hat- I just renewed my driver's license and now I must wear corrective lenses when I drive so I've been doing a lot of driving with my glasses plus a billed cap.
- sunglasses
- 1 pair boots, 1 pair sneakers, 1 pair flip flops- I'm sure this sounds like a ridiculous amount of shoes but for ME that is actually a pretty conservative number. I wanted to bring another pair of boots to go with my costumes, but I decided to just wear the boots that fit in my duffel bag since they would actually go with both costumes (western AND cosmic). I also thought about bringing a pair of slidey-on sneakers for getting up in the middle of the night to pee, and that's how I came up with the awesome toe sock ideer.
- clothes for swap- I actually brought more clothes to donate to the swap than I took home. Success!

Snacks
- beef jerky, cheetos puffs, PB&J fixins, cookies- breakfast and dinner were provided but lunches were on our own.
- cooler with ice, beer, sodas, string cheese.

Kitchen
- lemons- one of the main kitchen people had sent out an email that they needed lemons and my parents have a lemon tree so I volunteered to bring some.
- potatoes- everyone is supposed to bring a vegetable so I brought potatoes.
- cups, plates, bowls, utensils
- water bottle- there was a filling station.

Toiletries
- toothbrushes, toothpaste
- baby wipes- very useful, particularly since I didn't shower....
- hairbands, hairbrush
- deodorant
- benadryl
- makeup & glitter

Costumes and Accessories
- western outfit- long skirt, western looking sweater

 The boys had pretty great interpretations of western wear.

- cowboy hat
- orange outfit- I needed an orange outfit for Saturday afternoon so I bought an orange skirt and some tall orange socks and a scarf at a thrift store.
- cosmic outfit- a zodiac print skirt, pink tube top, sparkly leg warmers, and colorful arm warmers.

- glowsticks- I brought six tubes of glowsticks. I didn't realize there were FIFTEEN glow bracelets in each tube so we had enough for both nights and plenty to share.
- magic wand
- earrings
One thing that I was really happy I did was figure out my exact costumes ahead of time and pack them in ziploc bags. Like I said, I usually like to have options, so this was a BIG DEAL.

I also brought a few things that were interchangeable. Like the purple leggings I took would work with the one regular skirt (for either driving or lounging around if it hadn't been super hot like it was) and they could go under my long western skirt or under my zodiac skirt to keep me warmer at night. I also wore my orange head scarf a lot. In fact, I'm wearing it right now.

Yes, I have showered since I've been back. I just haven't washed my hair yet....

I should have brought- a couple cloth napkins or an extra towel, hairspray or hair goo of some kind. I went for a swim on Saturday so my hair was pretty coarse from the chlorine and stuck together nicely when I put it up in my crazy cosmic hairdo.
I didn't need- so many dang jackets, book, earplugs, spray sunscreen.

Did I mention it was a lot of fun?

Sunny is moving across the country in about a week (WAAAAH) to get married and start her big grownup professional life but she said that she'll keep going to S0up, so I can look forward to seeing her again next year!

Souperjules

I'm going camping this weekend and packing for this trip is... difficult. Allow me to explain. You see I'm going to this annual Bay Area festival type thing called 'S0up' that's kind of hippyish and Burning Man-esque and they rent out a whole campground/compound area for 300ish people and you camp and there's music pretty much all day long and 'playshops' (like workshops, but for fun things) you can attend or not attend as you like and everybody hugs you.
I went last year with my friend who I'll call Sunny because she's basically the human embodiment of a ray of sunshine, but if you meet her I swear you'll like her. I know what you're thinking-- you're thinking "Pshhh, I won't like her. I bet she'll just annoy me." And I'm telling you SHE WON'T. I tend not to like most people I meet but I liked her instantly and she's happy and bubbly and sweet but not in an annoying way. And I wish I could tell you her real name but it's very unique and internet-searchable so for now she'll be Sunny.

ANYHOW. Sunny invited me and our other friend T last year and we had a blast. Evidence:

That's Sunny in the middle and T on the right.

She's also good at singing (and dancing and hula hooping). You'll like her, I swear.

The food was terrific.

I'm glad I took this pic last year-- there won't be a dragon at the new campsite.

Swimming in the pond!

So since I attended last year I'm invited back and I'm allowed to bring a guest. I talked KC into coming with me and after months and months of S0up being in the distant future it is suddenly THIS WEEKEND. And we have to pack. Last year the theme was Sea (can't you tell from our costumes?), this year the theme is Cosmic. I posted my packing list last year and it's even more extensive this year, partly because I know a little bit better what I'm getting myself into and partly because the theme is different.

tent
sleeping bags, blankies, pillows
air mattress
snacks
beer
soda
bug spray
flashlight
book
flip flops
sneakers
boots
Betsy (KC's guitar)
lemons
potatoes
glow sticks
magic wand
earplugs
toiletries
baby wipes
towel
sun hat
clothes for swap
lougey clothes
jacket/sweats
underoos, socks
cups, plates, bowls, utensils
water bottle
cowboy hat
orange outfit
space outfits
GLITTER
rubber bands
cooler with ice
sunscreen
folding table

Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?

Gradumication Day

So... this happened.

Check out the awesome Ger1atr1cs specialty pin and the fake diploma. Oh yeah.

We started our afternoon in probably the diveyest (diviest?) of dive bars, The Hot Spot. It was close to the graduation ceremony location and we figured it probably wouldn't be crowded.

The gorgeous lady in the adorbs pink hat is my friend D, of the m1dw1fery specialty. She and I have been friends since our first year (the RN part of the program... it's confusing) and I don't know how I would have made it this far without her. And her hat is amazing.

That glass of champagne was free, btw.

I happened to arrive at the bar about thirty minutes before any of my friends or our families showed up. So I sat at the bar and made friends with some of the, erm, characters of the Tenderloin. Eventually everybody got there, but you'll have to take my word for it that my family was there since they're internet-shy. They were there with bells on, and they made for quite a boisterous cheering section.

Some of my favorite peeps from the 1st year of the program, outside the symphony hall where we put on and tried to figure out how to make our hoods lay the way they were supposed to and also not choke us.

More kids from my specialty, hanging out backstage before our spectacular entrance. Ger1 Gals... Unite!

We did it!!!

After the ceremony there was lots of milling around, hugs and handshakes with my professors and friends, and photo opportunities. Then it was off to Sushi Toni for delicious food and drinkies with the fam (I swear they were there), not to mention PRESENTS! And party favors! KC redeemed himself and gave me a gorgeous purse and my parents gave me a string of pearls which I think is very proper and grownup and ladylike.
A good time was had by all. But mostly me.

Letterman Jackets

"That letterman jacket is pretty awesome."

"I know, right? I haven't gotten to wear it since high school! Check out all my letters!"

"What are they?"

"This one is academics. And three for track."

"Wait, I only see two for track!"

"The letter counts as one."

"Oh."

"So how many letters did you get?"

"More than you."

"No you didn't!"

"Let's see... two for field hockey, two for track, and four for diving. That's EIGHT. HA!"

"Yeah? Well where's your letterman jacket?"

"Girls didn't get letterman jackets at my school."

"Then what did they wear?"

"The guy they were going out with's letterman jacket."

"So basically you're telling me that you went to high school in the 1950s...?"

Geri Gals Shenanigans

My good friends from my specific specialty (Ger1atr1cs) and I went out on Friday night, to celebrate FINISHING OUR PROGRAM!!! We got dressed to the nines.

I can't believe we won't have lectures and seminars and lunches out on the lawn together anymore. I can't believe we won't study together and gossip while we are supposed to be working on a group project and text each other "save me a seat!" before class.

I can't believe we won't see each other every week, like we have for the past two years.

The past two years have crept by but at the same time they've gone by in naught but the blink of an eye. These ladies and I have seen each other through... a lot.

The past two years have included:
One horrible preceptor.
One horrible site visit.
Two sociopath ex boyfriends.
Several deaths in the family.
Two births in the family.
One torn ACL.
One broken hand.
One restraining order.
Countless douchebags.
One engagement.
Three car break-ins.
One allergic reaction to antibiotics.
Four surgeries.
Two spectacular falls with skinned knees while running for MUNI.
One misdiagnosis of IBS.
Three meltdowns in class.
Several breakups.
Several makeups.
Lots of papers and projects and clinical days.
Four certificates of completion.
And four new paths to take....

I'm gonna miss these gals something fierce.

Celebrating like I mean it.

I've decided that I am indeed going to participate in all of the graduation festivities because, you know what? I EARNED THIS. I worked my ass off for THREE YEARS and I'm going to celebrate, dammit. So, when I talk about graduation I'm not going to include any sort of asterisk that reminds us all that my degree will actually be conferred a couple months after I walk in the commencement ceremony. I'm choosing to live an asterisk-free lifestyle. Join me, won't you?

GLEEFUL

About a year ago I had a conversation with my sister in which she discovered I had never watched Glee. I don't have cable, you see, and I pretty much only use my TV for DVDs. And I have a reallllly hard time starting to watch a new show unless someone else makes me. Case in point: a few years ago my roommate had to sit me down and force me to watch The Office because I thought it sounded dumb. Yeah, I don't make the best snap judgments. Anyhow! My sis couldn't believe I hadn't seen a single episode of Glee... and three days later the first season DVDs appeared in my mailbox. And I LOVED it, of course. Because who doesn't wish their life was more like a musical?
A few months ago my sister sent me a text, "Do you want tickets to Glee Live for your graduation present?"
I thought you'd never ask.

And so on Tuesday night we went!

I wore leg warmers on my arms and KC wore his letterman jacket. Because we are extremely cool. Obviously.

(Please note KC's ENORMOUS HEAD).

I won't tell you my favorite part, but it rhymes with smingle smadies shmance.

Oooh. Or maybe Britney/Brittany was my favorite part.

(This was one of the few photos I took before KC took over as photographer. Mine are a lot blurrier and less zoomed because I was hopping up and down with excitement).

Oh hell. I can't choose.

I loved it ALL.

It was such a great show. I feel like they could have had half as many cast members and half as many songs and STILL packed the house. But they had everybody and did tons of songs and it was just fantastic, I don't know how else to describe it.

And it was, I dunno, three (ish?) hours in which I did not think about ANYTHING else, just enjoyed the music and the dancing and the show and the popcorn chicken and beer and the awesome.

 Happy Jules.

Rain Rain That's Okay

When I first moved to San Francisco I was NOT PLEASED with the weather. I had just come from LA, where the rainy season is approximately two hours and it could be 75 degrees in the middle of January. I wore flip flops all year round!
No I didn't.
Why? Because I was USED TO IT. I got used to the hot LA weather and became a giant weenie. (One might argue that I was always a weenie but to them I point out that my sister and I used to regularly go surfing in the dead of winter. We would go several days in a row so we'd be pulling on wet, sandy wetsuits. Also, our system for deciding if it was time to stop and go home was whether or not we could still hold our hands together with straight fingers. Because if we couldn't control our fingers then we couldn't get the key out of whoever's wetsuit it was in and unlock the car. See? Not always a weenie).
So when I first moved to SF I would be standing there waiting for the bus, shivering even though I was wearing all of my jackets. Gradually I learned the art of layering so the cold, foggy weather didn't bother me quite so much. Basically, I submit this paragraph as evidence that I would never survive if I lived somewhere with SNOW.
Where was I? Right. The cold weather was okay but what I couldn't STAND was the rain. The raaaaaaaiiiinnn. I didn't own rain boots when I first moved here so I would wear sneakers which would (surprise) get soaking wet. For two years I had wet shoesies and pant cuffs and socks. I didn't buy rain boots because I was too indecisive. I thought maybe I would like to get some of those rubber galoshes with some cute pattern like they sell. But I could never make up my mind of which ones to get and I thought about buying neutral colored boots but, ugh, that's just boring isn't it?

Until this year. I bought THESE:

They're from Timberland and oh oh oh I love them. I don't know if the photos do them justice and maybe I'm just overly excited because of my two-year wet feet interval but oh man do I love them. If you ever hang out with me when I wear them you'll notice that I tend to announce at random intervals "BY THE WAY HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE BOOTS?" Yes, in all caps.

Seriously, they make me so happy. I wear them every time it rains or looks like it might rain or I want to wear stretch pants.

Now I just need a new raincoat. Because I, erm, prematurely sold mine to a used clothing store before I  bought a new one.... Apparently I'm not meant to own an entire set of rainy day attire at the same time.

I can't believe I used to...

... hate drinking water.

... wear sparkly eyeliner and bright purple mascara. To class. In high school.

... only own sports bras.

... use ICQ.

... eat a Lean Cuisine for lunch every day at work.

... share an apartment with two girls who hated me and not confront them.

... be in a sorority (I joined my sophomore year and quit within a few months).

... only buy brand name over-the-counter meds.

... hate hiking.

... not like guacamole or beans... but somehow love Mexican food.

... think Hummers were cool.

... get up at 5:45 every morning to shower and wash my hair, and then let it air dry all day.

... not want to live by myself.

... not know how to dress in layers.

... think online dating was weird and definitely not for me.

... shop at Urban Outfitters.

... cook and eat jalapeño poppers and pizza rolls for dinner.

... not want a digital camera.

... get As in math.

... feel certain that I did not want to work in healthcare.

... pay $650 per month for a shared bedroom with no lock on the door.

... love getting tan.

... want to live in LA for the rest of my life.

Original post here. I thought it was a good time for an update!

Warm Fuzzies

In case you were wondering, I'm feeling much better about the school situation. I was totaaaaalllllyyyyyy dreading going to class this week and seeing the gals in my program as well as my advisor who, BONUS, is also my professor. I guess in my head I was imagining that all my classmates were going to think I didn't pass the Giant Paper Thing because I'm stupid. But! Surprise! Nobody thought that. Or at least nobody gave me any indication that they thought that. Everyone was just really nice and supportive and sympathetic. Like one girl said to me "It really could have been any one of us." I dunno. It just made me realize Ohhhhhh. I'm not an idiot. THIS PROGRAM IS JUST HARD.
Lightbulb!
I've also heard a lot of stories from friends, family, members, acquaintances, etc about how they tried to do something and it didn't work out. "I graduated late from dental school." "I failed the Network Administrator exam the first time I took it." "My advisor failed me for some research units in grad school." "I walked in my college graduation ceremony in June but took classes over the summer to finish my degree." And on and on and on and on.... Every single one of these stories makes me feel better, so if you have shared one with me then I thank you.

Also, a friend of mine told me today that IN OUR PROGRAM she knows several other people who have to turn in their Giant Paper Things this summer. Maybe we'll start a club.

Something else that made me feel better?
Receiving this in the mail!

BROWNIES from Rachel, AKA Doing My Best. What a sweetheart, she saw me whimpering on Twitter and offered to send me a little pick-me-up. She sent TWO flavors-- chocolate and chocolate with butterscotch chips. They were nummy, in case you wondered.
She also included these:

A bag of mini Snickerses "for extra padding to protect the brownies." Oh, Rachel, I like the way you think.
And a Crappy Day Present! I opened it pretty much right away (which is why there is no photo of it still wrapped) and it was a little bookmark with a happy quote. I also like the fact that the bookmark is (perhaps unintentionally) shaped like a wee snowboard.



Other good things, now that I'm on a roll:

I've treated myself to lots of comfort food and a new pair of jeans (partly because of all the comfort food).

My parents said they would like to give me an early graduation present-- a new stethoscope! Well. I'm excited about that.

KC told me he ordered me a graduation present.

And then today at Costco, after many many months of not having them in stock.... BEHOLD.

BOOYAH. That's a rap word.

Swimming Parallel

This past week I've been trying to put a little extra good karma out to the universe.

I participated in a food drive.

It was probably the easiest food drive to ever exist. All I had to do was fill a (provided) bag with nonperishables and leave it by my mailbox. Easy peasy.

I made an extra effort to be polite and a good tipper.

I sent encouraging text messages to people who I know are going through a rough time.

I donated $50 to Greenpeace.


Annnnnnd then today I got a parking ticket for $50.

WTF, UNIVERSE?

Ahh that explains it.
Must remember to swim parallel to the suck.

Disjointed, Disheartened

Before today, if someone had asked me whether or not my moods control the weather, I would have denied it. I went to the school bookstore this afternoon, killing time before an appointment. I was looking at the sweatshirts when I happened upon the graduation regalia display. The empty cap and gown, standing there on its flattened wire replica of the human form. I stood for a moment in front of it, sighing, reaching out to touch the blue velvet sleeve with my fingertip. "Motherfuckers" I muttered to myself. Or, more accurately, to the gentleman I hadn't noticed was standing directly beside me. As I walked out of the bookstore, feeling generally droopy and sorry for myself, it began to rain. Not that I think myself so high and mighty that the very clouds change course in accordance with my sorrows, but these past few days have had coincidentally good weather for moping and brooding and imagining setting fire to various items in the office of my Giant Paper Thing's reader. Not that I would do either of those things for realsies-- neither inflict gloomy weather upon my fellow San Franciscans nor practice arson. Nope, not me.

***

Several people have told me about times when they failed something. Like the text message I received from a friend in a PhD program, "Did I ever tell you that my advisor failed me for some research units? I was sad/angry etc. But now everything is okay." Stories like that have unexpectedly helped me feel better because I don't feel so completely ALONE IN MY MISERY.
I THINK I am ready now to hear things like "It will be okay! You can do it!" but even when I wasn't, when all I wanted to do was whimper and feel sad, it did help to hear other people's stories of crappy experiences like this and their positive outcomes. Even though I couldn't yet imagine that MY situation would turn out okay, it was nice to hear that other peoples' did. It helped me imagine that there might be a time wherein I could imagine that everything might turn out okay.
This is how I cope with bad things-- I catastrophize. I wallow in pain and make lists in my head of all the terrible things that are happening and dwell on them and cry and feel generally woe-is-me about them. And then after a little while I start to feel better and am able to move forward.

***

Today I realized that one of the reasons that I've been SO devastated about this whole situation is because graduation meant more to me than just finishing school in general or this program specifically. It meant closing a chapter of my life and starting fresh, something I hadn't realized that I was looking forward to so much. Because these past three years have been... DIFFICULT.
The first year I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
The second year I got out of that relationship and had to get a restraining order.
The third year I had to deal with emotional aftermath and PTSD related to the first two.

A lot of wonderful stuff happened in those years, too, of course. I don't want to make it seem like these years are framed in my mind ONLY by those events. But, I mean, they were tremendously difficult things to go through and they did coincide with school. I remember last year (the second year) when I was in the midst of being harassed and threatened and felt like I was teetering on the edge of sanity. I felt like I was very close to having some sort of breakdown. I remember I kept thinking "I can't do this. I CAN'T DO THIS." I had trouble paying attention, I cried in the bathroom and on the train, and I had to turn in some assignments late and leave a class early because I had a panic attack. But I did it. One friend helped me with my research and another helped me with my assessments and my professors gave me extensions and I DID IT. I made it through that year. And this year I felt like I just had to keep plugging along and I would graduate, nothing could stop me!

And now it feels like I was so close. I was SO CLOSE. But I just couldn't do it.
 

I have been trying to reframe this in my mind-- because this is a thing, right? A lot of people graduate from a program and then have one stupid thing left to finish over the summer or the next semester, right? People do that.
I can do it.
I guess.

***

I honestly don't even know where I am supposed to begin in terms of revising this paper to turn it in again. I haven't gotten all the comments back yet and I just recently took a look at the ones I have received. Some of them don't seem to make sense and some are so JERKY that I can't read anymore because either my eyes are either filled with tears or clouded over with PURE RAGE. I find myself yelling at the computer.

Plus! I had two readers who left comments. They both had very strong opinions.
For example:
Reader 1: "Great discussion of a cutting-edge theory."
Reader 2: "There was no theoretical framework presented."
Reader 1: "Significance poorly defined."
Reader 2: "Significance of the topic was presented well."

Um? OH GREAT! I'LL START THERE!

Howl

That? That's a picture of my old planbook and my new one. Also, me, peeping out to make sure the photo booth thingy was working.
My old planbook, the larger one, has all of my assignments and clinical dates and whatnot and also a very excited all-caps "GRADUATION!!!" on June 9 (both in the week and month views). As I've mentioned before, since I've been a student for so long I tend to buy a new one every new school year so I'm on a July-July planbook rotation system. I had recently purchased the new, littler planbook basically to keep track of my summer plans-- vacations, visitors, friends' weddings, etc.

Today I wrote "New Paper Due!" on July 19 in the new planbook. It almost looks cheerful! HA HA HA. No it doesn't.


When I learned that I can 'walk' in the graduation ceremony on June 9 but my degree won't actually be conferred until September, I turned into some kind of howling banshee.
Anyone else: Well, that's good news! You get to walk!
Me: BUT IT DOOOOEEEESN'T MEAN ANYYYYTHIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG.
Anyone else: Sure it does! It is a big accomplishment!
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Today is the first day yet that I haven't spent most of the day either feeling waves of ferocious rage or sobbing inconsolably. I've spent the past few days going back and forth between beating myself up over this and feeling SOOOOO VERY WROOONNNGED, but right now I feel more 'meh' about this whole situation. It still sucks. It's still a tremendous disappointment. It still makes me angry and sad, but I think I'm past the Howling Stage of my grief.

I will get through this. I will. I'll rewrite the stupid fucking paper for the stupid fucking readers and I'll stupid fucking resubmit it this summer. And they WILL STUUUUUPID FUCKING LET ME GRADUUUUUUAAAAAAAAATE.


Hm. Well. Perhaps I'm not quite out of the Howling Stage.