Thursday, September 9, 2010

Teeth and Ovary

Yesterday I was at the dentist-- for the third time in a week and a half. Apparently they do mean it when they say you should see the dentist every 6 months. I used to do that... and then I started nursing school. But I found myself with some free time and so I went for a teeth cleaning last week. No big deal except a couple spots of decay and a chipped tooth. I went back the other day for my fillings and OH MAN. Maybe it's just the locations of these particular fillings or maybe I just haven't had a filling in awhile but I felt like my dentist got out the special tools just for me. He also doesn't really say what he is doing while he does it and maybe that only matters to me now that I'm a nurse and care about medical/procedural thangs. But when I'm lying there and somebody's wielding what looks to be an old ratchet and a pair of pliers I want to know what they're up to.

"Just to warn you I'm going to use my slow drill. It is more precise than my fast one" he said. And then I can only assume he signaled to someone to start pedaling in the next room because the drill was so big and clunky and rattled so hard I thought all my teeth were going to shake loose.
And then yesterday I went back to get the fillings finished up and my dentist whipped out a piece of SANDPAPER and sanded down my teeth. SANDPAPER.

I mean, I'm not saying this dentist did anything wrong, but it did sort of leave me wondering if those tools were really the best and most technologically advanced available.

Name that Ovary
A couple months ago I told my primary care NP that I sometimes get really horrendously painful cramps that leave me nauseous, sweaty, crying, and unable to stand up straight. She offered to write me a prescription for Vicodin and I held myself back from tackle-hugging her. Seriously. I was so happy I almost cried. But I also felt kind of stupid, because who take Vicodin for CRAMPS?
"I don't know what the deal is," I told her, "I mean. I feel kind of lame for taking Vicodin for this but it IS really painful. But I don't get it-- it is only sometimes; it doesn't happen every month."
"Well," she said. "Is it every other month?"
I paused and thought back. I could remember the present month as pain-free and the previous month as MIND NUMBINGLY PAINFUL but that was as far back as I could recall. "I think so," I said.
"Sounds like you've got one very powerful ovary."

One Very Powerful Ovary.

Seriously, guys, watch out for me and my ovary-- we're going to take over the world.
And now when I have cramps I get to say things like "It's powerful ovary month" and "Don't cross me, sucka, I've got more power in one little ovary that you have in your entire realm."

It was recently suggested to me that my ovary needs a name. And I think it does. She does, rather. Obviously my ovary is a girl. Also, she's the left one, by the by.

Here are the names I have come up with so far:
Jadis- the name of the witch from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. She was a bitch, that's for sure, but no one can deny that she was powerful.
Ursula- the sea witch. Her name sounds like an ovary to me.
Maleficent- the evil queen. Her name just sounds eeeeevil. But maybe she's too evil because, y'know I like my ovary and all.
Ate- pronounced "Ah-tay." The Greek goddess of evil, misfortune, and infatuation. I do like how she is described as a temptress who leads humans toward evil.
Lilith- While looking up possible names, I came across our old friend Lilith. I like that she's naughty and disobedient and sexy and not submissive.