Okay! So! Last week I was sad. Weeping, whimpering, and S-A-D sad. I still loved him, still wanted him back, still thought he was the most wonderful and amazing guy ever. I couldn't believe how suddenly he was gone, after being in my arms only days earlier. I'm still sad, of course, still bursting into tears at random intervals. And, yes, still reeling.
But now I am also angry.
I'm angry at myself for not being good enough and for picking the wrong guy, YET AGAIN. I'm also angry at myself because I am such a damn mess right now and this affects me so much and I wish the hurting would stop. I'm angry because here I am 29 and single, which is so not how I wanted my life to be. I'm angry at the situation because why couldn't it have just worked out? And because for fuck's sake can't anything ever go right? OCTOBER IS FIRED. Actually, no, 2011 is fired. Clear out your desk, 2011. I've had enough of you. I'm angry that this happened and that I also don't have a job, am uninsurable, and have one CD to my name because my damn car keeps getting broken into. I'm angry at my apartment for reminding me of him. I'm angry at my phone for being stupid and lame and for not ringing and also for ringing.
Mostly, though, I'm angry at KC.
I'm furious that he broke my heart. I keep thinking in cliches like HOW DARE YOU? and WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
I'm angry that he hasn't tried to contact me (even though I know that's probably for the best), because it feels like I was easily flung aside and he's just *poof* moved on with his life. A couple people have suggested that maybe he's not contacting me because he knows that would make this harder on me. Well, thinking of him as all calm and rational, trying to 'do what's best' for me ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY.
I'm angry that he had been thinking about breaking up with me apparently for a month (or longer?) while I was in the dark. I am enraged at his timing.
I'm angry because I don't know what happened-- what changed? I had thought he and I loved each other and wanted the same things in life but, no, ha ha, surprise! Now he wants something totally different! Or else he wants those same things, just not with me. What the fuck ever. Make up your mind and grow up.
I'm angry because I loved him and I trusted him, and now I feel betrayed.
I feel stupid and used and misled and weak and sad and ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY.