Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 09: Someone you didn't want to let go

My old roommate, M. We lived together for a bit in college and then for four solid years afterward. That is the longest amount of time I have lived with anyone who wasn't related to me.

We had our own separate lives (and separate rooms and bathrooms) and our own sets of friends and I think that actually made it easier for us to live together-- there wasn't always the expectation that we were going to hang out together. When we did hang out, which was often, we had a lot of fun. We used to have Cocktail Hour at our apartment after rough days. We used to go on "roommate dates." We hosted a fancy-dress tea party for our friends. We bought matching sweatshirts at Ross. We killed roaches in the dark when the power was out and the LA summer heat wave was in full force. She let me have the big bedroom and the parking space. She used to be the only person Bowie would ever cuddle with. I accidentally gave her microwave away (thinking it was mine) and she told me to pay her back with a margarita.

Then I started dating a new guy and he and M didn't get along. She didn't like having him in our house. He felt like she was unreasonably rude to her. They eventually stopped speaking to each other altogether and I avoided having them both in the same room. I realized, much later, that he was purposely creating a rift between her and me but at the time I was just upset and worried. There was tension now when there hadn't been any before. And since M and I had never had any issues before I don't think we knew how to confront them and deal with them properly. So they just festered.

We never had a big falling out or a raging fight, I just moved to away to start school and we were both busy and didn't talk a whole lot. And then I broke up with the guy and I realized all the ways he had isolated me from the people I loved and I reached back out to them.

M and I now talk more and see each other when we are both in the same city. Our friendship isn't quite the same as it used to be, but maybe that's to be expected of any former roommate situation-- we don't see each other on a daily basis so things are just different. There isn't any tension when we hang out and we laugh together like old times. But I can't help but feeling a little regretful.

I wish the last few months we lived together hadn't been tinged with awkwardness and distance.

I wish I didn't have to wonder if it is all my fault that we aren't as close as we used to be.

I wish I had been a better friend.